sight

through vivid dreams
they come...

through moments of despair and hopelessness
they come..

through peace and love
they come..

through my child
they come..

sailing through calm waters
where the moon shines in between
fog and dreams
they come..

messages of
life after death while walking the earth
love to loved ones

anticipating moments of when
sight becomes reality
awkwardly finding its place in my universe.

losing sight
while unsteadily rocking
through life with the constant battle of time

this is a reminder to see
to allow this to be part of me
to open myself up again and be vulnerable
allow them to come
and not be afraid
to speak
when i feel censored
to those who don't believe

to see
to dream
to listen
to move
freely

a blessing or a curse?
a sight of ones own death?
a dream of my child growing inside?
a sight of a love lost?
a dream of messages to be told to the living?
a sight of ones own death?
own...
losing sight so i won't be able to see
completely
afraid of the outcome

allow me to see
fearlessly

birth

I want to dedicate this blog to my asawa, Roderick









5 years ago, Rod was accepted to USF in the School Education for his Educational Doctorate

He went into it knowing that he ultimately wants his own classroom, teaching.
I witnessed the struggle and survival to achieve this goal.
Endless reading, writing and critical thinking.
Working, teaching and starting and raising a family
Finding self over and over again
Redefining self over and over again
along the way mentoring and transforming lives of Pin@y's
especially my own life and our daughters

on February 4th, Rod gave birth to his Dissertation.
Maybe not the same as the real birth of a child
but the painful struggle, constant healing, love and hope of bringing the stories of Pin@ys into academia where they are forgotten. Fusing Critical Hermenutics/Critical Pedagogy/ Memises/Appropriation of Critical Pin@y Educators/Scholars in San Francisco.

each time i was asked to edit and read
i was emotional each time
i saw a transformation in him
writing, thought, analysis, his world view
his growth as a scholar
and how that growth transcends as his role of being a
father
husband
manong
ading
son
friend
brother

This May, he will walk across the stage as Dr. Roderick Daus-Magbual
Manong Rod, is what his students call him
knowing Rod, he is taking his ancestors/families/communities as he crosses that stage
this indeed, is a community graduation

Although we are in a budget crisis and that positions in higher education are being taken away from people of color/critical pin@y scholars and classes are being closed for students
we have a community that will help you get to where you need to be
in a classroom
transforming lives
society
disrupting the system
praxis


critical hope
critical love

inspiration

thank you,
for inspiring other Doctorate students
for inspiring students to achieve their dreams
for your service in the community while being in the academy

Dua

A year since my last post and I'm wondering why I'm not writing anything outside of academia.

A year later, I'm a different person

A year later, my anak is 2
A year later, i'm married to my heart for 3 years
A year later, i'm in my 2nd year of my doctorate program
A year later, i'm finding self with others
A year later, i love harder than before

New Year

so, it's been about 4 months since my last post. everything is pretty much the same except i'm in winter break and i'm anxious about going back to school next weekend.
amianan is turning 1 in a few weeks
i need to plan her celebration
going back to lbc in 2 weeks
more readings
more writing
more everything

balancing

i think thats the theme of the year. balance. trying to rock steady. its hard.
my typical day looks like this
7am- pump
8am- breakfast, read write, try to keep the house in order
around 8:30-9ish-amianan wakes up/feed her/play with her
10am-try to put amianan down for a nap
11am- get her ready for school
11:30- feed her again
12:15- take her to school
12:30- eat lunch
12:30-4:30 go to the office or go to the school sites and pump in between that
4:45- pick up amianan
5:00- feed her, give her a bath, play time
*if its a monday or wednesday- we have meetings between 6-10*
9-10 get baby down for bed
10:00-if she's sleeping..reading and writing until 2am
2am- go to bed

next day- do it all over again.

i'm starting to realize that this shit ain't easy. balancing mommyhood, wifeyhood, being an academic in the process of getting a doctorate, PEP. with all the crazyness happening in the world on top of that. I lack sleep, i eat a lot, im tired all day long..but i can't complain..
i feel like im blessed with all of this..i just need to take it one day at a time.
right now..my eyes are halfway shut..but i gotta keep on keepin on cause i have 2 papers to finish and hunderds of papers to read. but its ok..im starting to get back in the swing of this academic thing..trying not to lose focus on why im here.
im reading some dope books on my own though..as if i don't have enough to read already--
i just finished reading the art of critical pedagogy, re-read the pedagogy of the oppressed, adn now reading pedagogy of indignation (man this book is good!)
i think i need to read those books so i can stay sane in this program. Education has a discourse that puts asian americans on the model minority tip and it makes me sick. thought i was over that when i got my masters, but it proves to me that this world we live in strives on the grand narrative that colonizes us. sometimes i want to drop the race word in class but i dont know if they ready for that shit yet. cause really..c'mon now. gotta choose my battles and soon enough they'll get it. i almost whipped it out last session on home boy that essentialized immigrants as being so grateful for this opportunity in the US and that they're ALL happy..WTF?! anyway..enough of that. i have so much to say about this experience being in this program. as progressive as this program makes itself out to be, some of the teachers are baliktad!
according to one teacher, people of color are only african americans and latinos. my face was fumin..

so yeah..life as an academic..
balance
gotta study now
peace

producin'

Amianan is 32 weeks old. She's been in day care for almost a month, caught 2-3 colds (they come one after the other) rods and i have been sick each time she gets sick. i've been in school for almost a month.
i realized about a month ago that i haven't been keeping a good supply of breastmilk in the freezer nor have i pumped for a while. i started to freak out when i had to be in school all day on saturdays and half day on sundays and i had to ration out the milk for the weekend and for day care. she hasn't been taking any bottle feedings at day care at all..that means dumping 3 oz a day down the drain.
i also realized that i haven't been producing as much milk as i used to. i would pump a total of 1 oz or less both boobs. i would pump and pump and after a day of pumping i only have about 3oz when amianan probably eats 6 -8 oz.
anyway, i freaked out! cause i want to breastfeed her for as long as i can. i'm hoping for a year. so i called some folks and did some research and they all told me to take fenugreek. rod and i went to gnc and bought a big bottle of it..it was about 13.00. i take 6 a day. 2 after breakfast, lunch and dinner. the first day my boobs became engorged! i was producing so much milk after 72 hours. the pumping is coming along. i pump in the mornings before she wakes up, and in the afternoons when she's in day care. i have about 3-4 oz by the end of the day and its slowly increasing. better than the 1 oz a day! hella milk.. to the point when she eats, there's milk spraying out after she's done. hahaha! that hasnt happend in a long time!
then last night, allyson gave me a big bag of dried seaweed from the korean market and told me to make korean birthday soup. she was told that it helps produce more milk for nursing mothers. she did both fenugreek and birthday soup when she was nursing mahalaya. i'm going to make some tonight and see how that goes.
i'm slowly building a supply in the freezer!
now if she can only take it at the day care. she takes it when she's with rod and allyson. i dunno


This is what we've been up to!
went to raider game vs. 49ers
went to so cal and took the girls to the long beach aquarium
And sac for the PEP retreat and went swimming with the teachers!

creepin and crawlin

so last week amianan did this thing where she would be in crawling position and then started to do push up things where she would look at her feet. then we were playing on the floor and she lunged towards me. since then she crawl/lunges to get her toys or to follow mama and papa. its quite hilarious. she's really fast too! she can get to point a to point b in no time. she can also crawl to the bedroom when we're not looking!
we took her to day care last friday and when we picked her up they were super excited to tell us that amianan is crawling..we all looked at her and she got excited and started doing the crawl lunge towards us. we were hella laughing. rod and i were like..oh she's been doing that for a week now.
i get online with my fams and my mom and sis get a kick outta watching amianan being mobile.
we started baby proofing the cabinets in the kitchen but gave up after cabinet # 4. the bookshelves in the office will soon be attached to the walls. but for now..the office is off limits to baby at all times.
we have to get a new tv stand though cause the one that we have look like mini steps. she can already reach the cable box and turn it off.
this girl!
she's getting sooooo big soooo fast!