doin the damn thing

my goal is to finish this dissertation by the spring. Right now i'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how i'm going to start this. I've edited and revised my 3 chapters so many times and now it's going through another iteration. i have yet to lock in a proposal defense date and collecting data to finish my last 2 chapters. all of this is on top of being a mother and wife and a full time job. I don't know how i'll get through the next 6 months but i did it the last 3 years..so what's stopping me now.

life..

when you start thinking about death, all you want to do is live. i want to finish this dissertation so i can do the things i've always wanted to do with Amianan and Rod when I was in class, writing, reading, studying locked up in a room somewhere at home, state or at a cafe. I will continue my scholarship after this dissertation but right now, i really want a family vacation with the 3 of us kickin it on an island, boat, little town, somewhere around this world and just do nothing. the 3 of us have gone through way too much and we deserve a little fun. i especially want to be more involved in Amianans school and interests in cooking, animals, and just being a kid. I want her to enjoy what i was able to enjoy with their parents and i don't want to be the parent that was too busy to play with her. I can already see it in Amianans actions and of course her being 2 isn't helping but she understands, she feels, she shows her emotions, and isn't afraid to let me know that she doesn't want me to put her to sleep, that she doesn't love me (ouch), that she wants to do things on her own or by herself...it's been a rough road being a student and mother at the same time but i try my best to make time for the 2 of us to learn and grow together.

rod and i also have baby fever. we walked through target *again* and saw all the baby stuff and both went, awwww..i miss that.., when i played with my nephew logan, i felt that sense of calmness, warmth, and innocence. i really want to have another baby after i finish this dissertation and i know amianan will be such a good manang.

All the plans in the world..so what's stopping me from finishing?? Do the DAMN THING, ARLENE!

a new world

On September 30, 2010, My mother in law- Mama Jean- passed away from brain cancer. Her battle with cancer was short but we didn't know how long she had it.

Rod, Amianan and I were trying to catch a flight out of San Francisco to LA that same day but we were delayed. Even if we made it to LA on time, Mama Jean took her last breath around 8:55 p.m. that night.

When we got to SFO, and saw the delays on the board I started to get frantic. I wanted to get Rod to his mom as soon as I could but everything was going against us. I was texting Denise all day and she was giving us updates on mom and i knew in my heart that mom couldn't wait for us anymore. As much as I prayed that she waited for us to arrive, I also told her to go if it hurts to much. The 4 months that she suffered was too much to witness and i'm sure was too much for Mama Jeans body and spirit.

When Mom collapsed during Rods Graduation, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help but to be there for Rod, Amianan and his family. Rod and Amianan spent most of their summer in Riverside and I flew back and forth from SF-Riverside almost every other week. When I was home in Riverside, it hurt so much to see mom in pain or not remembering who people are. All I knew to do was to help clean up the house, talk to mom when she was awake, lie in bed with her to keep her company and talk it through with Amianan because it was so hard for her to understand the magnitude of the situation. Each time we left Riverside to go back to SF, we said our goodbyes and told her how much we loved her, just in case it was the last time we saw her.

We saw mom on I chat on September 24 and Amianan was able to say hello and sing songs and dance for mom. But the last time we saw mom in person was Labor Day weekend.

After jumping from airline counter to counter trying to get an earlier flight, it wasn't happening. We stood by the gate and i received the text from denise that mom died and i looked at rod and amianan with a heavy heavy heart and i had to tell them. i called rod over and told him the news and i can see his body starting to crumble. I held him tight in a hug and told him how sorry i was..we didn't care about everyone else around us, we just let our emotions show. Amianan felt it in a second that something was wrong and she started to act out. it was hard getting on that plane that night, it was also hard getting into the car for the ride to Riverside Community. I felt anxiety all day trying to get rod to his mom and now trying to get rod to his mom before they took her away. Rod and I were hand in hand walking through the cold hallways of the hospital trying to get to the ICU and our steps finally slowed down when we approached the glass room with people surrounding mama jean. the first person that came to me was Yadi with tears in her eyes, i hugged her and then hugged denise, rich but my eyes were focused on Dad. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him how sorry i was. i passed by everyone else knowing that i would greet them after but i hugged dad and he kept repeating that she was gone and its over now. i felt the floor drop from underneath me as i looked at mom. Rod was at the end of the bed looking at his mom. he came to dad and hugged him tight, put his forhead to his moms and spoke to her quietly. my soul hurt for my family and i kept thinking about amianan waiting downstairs hoping to bring her nana home from the hospital.
I held mama jeans hand and i can feel the coldness and lifelessness of her body. i told her how much i loved her and that i would do my best to be there for the family especially rod and amianan. When we got downstairs Amianan was asking for her Nana and I knew that this was going to be hard but that I had to tell Amianan what was going on and no hide anything from her.

That night, Amianan went to LBC with my parents and I went home with Rod and Dad. It was hard to come back to the house knowing that mama jean will never be there again. My heart broke when my dad in law and rod walked into the quiet house and broke down. I didn't know what to say, i just tried to hold them both.

The Family and i worked hard on the services for mom and everything turned out so beautiful. Mama Jean was a very popular person. She had such a big family and many of them came to California and so many friends. every time i'm with mama jeans family they remind me of her everyday. They all have mama jean in them and it was so good to be around them all. it was also sad to see them leave. I worried a lot about Rod and Amianan, my dad in law, rich and denise and all of mama jeans family. It was hard to leave Riverside and our families.

when we got to SFO and drove home. The sunset looked different, the sky looked different, the smell and sense of being "home" felt different. The world was new. A new chapter in our lives without mama jean physically being here. everything and everyone will be different for awhile..but for now, we tell stories, we look at pictures and videos, we pray, we remember and will never forget how much mama jean has affected us all. and most of all we love each other hard. a lot harder than before and appreciate everything and everyone in our lives.

Rest In Peace, mom
I love you