balancing

i think thats the theme of the year. balance. trying to rock steady. its hard.
my typical day looks like this
7am- pump
8am- breakfast, read write, try to keep the house in order
around 8:30-9ish-amianan wakes up/feed her/play with her
10am-try to put amianan down for a nap
11am- get her ready for school
11:30- feed her again
12:15- take her to school
12:30- eat lunch
12:30-4:30 go to the office or go to the school sites and pump in between that
4:45- pick up amianan
5:00- feed her, give her a bath, play time
*if its a monday or wednesday- we have meetings between 6-10*
9-10 get baby down for bed
10:00-if she's sleeping..reading and writing until 2am
2am- go to bed

next day- do it all over again.

i'm starting to realize that this shit ain't easy. balancing mommyhood, wifeyhood, being an academic in the process of getting a doctorate, PEP. with all the crazyness happening in the world on top of that. I lack sleep, i eat a lot, im tired all day long..but i can't complain..
i feel like im blessed with all of this..i just need to take it one day at a time.
right now..my eyes are halfway shut..but i gotta keep on keepin on cause i have 2 papers to finish and hunderds of papers to read. but its ok..im starting to get back in the swing of this academic thing..trying not to lose focus on why im here.
im reading some dope books on my own though..as if i don't have enough to read already--
i just finished reading the art of critical pedagogy, re-read the pedagogy of the oppressed, adn now reading pedagogy of indignation (man this book is good!)
i think i need to read those books so i can stay sane in this program. Education has a discourse that puts asian americans on the model minority tip and it makes me sick. thought i was over that when i got my masters, but it proves to me that this world we live in strives on the grand narrative that colonizes us. sometimes i want to drop the race word in class but i dont know if they ready for that shit yet. cause really..c'mon now. gotta choose my battles and soon enough they'll get it. i almost whipped it out last session on home boy that essentialized immigrants as being so grateful for this opportunity in the US and that they're ALL happy..WTF?! anyway..enough of that. i have so much to say about this experience being in this program. as progressive as this program makes itself out to be, some of the teachers are baliktad!
according to one teacher, people of color are only african americans and latinos. my face was fumin..

so yeah..life as an academic..
balance
gotta study now
peace

producin'

Amianan is 32 weeks old. She's been in day care for almost a month, caught 2-3 colds (they come one after the other) rods and i have been sick each time she gets sick. i've been in school for almost a month.
i realized about a month ago that i haven't been keeping a good supply of breastmilk in the freezer nor have i pumped for a while. i started to freak out when i had to be in school all day on saturdays and half day on sundays and i had to ration out the milk for the weekend and for day care. she hasn't been taking any bottle feedings at day care at all..that means dumping 3 oz a day down the drain.
i also realized that i haven't been producing as much milk as i used to. i would pump a total of 1 oz or less both boobs. i would pump and pump and after a day of pumping i only have about 3oz when amianan probably eats 6 -8 oz.
anyway, i freaked out! cause i want to breastfeed her for as long as i can. i'm hoping for a year. so i called some folks and did some research and they all told me to take fenugreek. rod and i went to gnc and bought a big bottle of it..it was about 13.00. i take 6 a day. 2 after breakfast, lunch and dinner. the first day my boobs became engorged! i was producing so much milk after 72 hours. the pumping is coming along. i pump in the mornings before she wakes up, and in the afternoons when she's in day care. i have about 3-4 oz by the end of the day and its slowly increasing. better than the 1 oz a day! hella milk.. to the point when she eats, there's milk spraying out after she's done. hahaha! that hasnt happend in a long time!
then last night, allyson gave me a big bag of dried seaweed from the korean market and told me to make korean birthday soup. she was told that it helps produce more milk for nursing mothers. she did both fenugreek and birthday soup when she was nursing mahalaya. i'm going to make some tonight and see how that goes.
i'm slowly building a supply in the freezer!
now if she can only take it at the day care. she takes it when she's with rod and allyson. i dunno


This is what we've been up to!
went to raider game vs. 49ers
went to so cal and took the girls to the long beach aquarium
And sac for the PEP retreat and went swimming with the teachers!

creepin and crawlin

so last week amianan did this thing where she would be in crawling position and then started to do push up things where she would look at her feet. then we were playing on the floor and she lunged towards me. since then she crawl/lunges to get her toys or to follow mama and papa. its quite hilarious. she's really fast too! she can get to point a to point b in no time. she can also crawl to the bedroom when we're not looking!
we took her to day care last friday and when we picked her up they were super excited to tell us that amianan is crawling..we all looked at her and she got excited and started doing the crawl lunge towards us. we were hella laughing. rod and i were like..oh she's been doing that for a week now.
i get online with my fams and my mom and sis get a kick outta watching amianan being mobile.
we started baby proofing the cabinets in the kitchen but gave up after cabinet # 4. the bookshelves in the office will soon be attached to the walls. but for now..the office is off limits to baby at all times.
we have to get a new tv stand though cause the one that we have look like mini steps. she can already reach the cable box and turn it off.
this girl!
she's getting sooooo big soooo fast!

Tryin..

Tryin to..
maintain
keep amianan, myself and rod healthy
keep the house clean
read all these articles and keep up with my school work
be a good mama
be a good wife
be a good friend
be a good daughter
be a good sister
be in the classroom more often
support our teachers
be present in my communities
be present with life
laugh more
cry more
shake off some access baby phat
be me....

1st of many

amianan caught her first cold last sunday and is still getting over it. we went to tracy on saturday for my cousins baby shower and amianan seemed fine, but when she woke up in the morning she was super congested and had a fever. i freaked and so did rod. we didn't know what to do. brought out all the books, articles etc and tried to keep her comfortable as possible. we used the suction bulb repeatedly. she hates it! i wish i can just hold a tissue in front of her and ask her to blow..hahah we also had to keep her elevated so she doesn't get an ear infection and it helps her to sleep. the first night was rough. she couldn't sleep and finally at 2am i put her on a pillow and sang open shut them over and over and over and over and she finally fell asleep. i made sure she slept on the pillow all night so she can breath easy. monday, she ran a fever of 100.3. we fed her milk and peaches, carrots, potatoes. and the swing saved us! it kept her elevated so she can breath and it comforted her with songs. she took naps there and got the rest that she needed.
monday tues wed and thurs night, she put herself back on her sleeping schedule. kinda. 7pm-8am or 10pm-8pm then a nap till 10.
all those germs at day care. hella sipon running down all the kids noses. gotta expose them anyway right?
now mommy and papa have colds.
i tried to balance reading, work, and taking care of amianan/the house/the chores/etc..its not easy! its hard as fuck..but we move forward..doing what we can.
i have most of my readings done..im just pysched cause i dont know what to expect in class. did i understand the readings? some. most of them are like "duh" i already know that..maybe i can have fun in class by challenging some of those school administrators..we'll see..

First day @ school

It was amianans first day of school.

rod left for a dcyf meeting at 8am and i had amianan to myself this morning. she slept from 8pm -8am. she's been doing that since we came back from LA. i hope it stays that way for while. i can get homework done at night. after i fed her breakfast, she went back to bed for a morning nap. one of our apt managers knocked on my door around 945 to remind me of the alarm testing. the alarm testing happens once a year, and its the most annoying piercing sound ever. hellaa loud. i had to wake her up and put her in the other room so i can muffle the sound but she woke up during the transfer. i got everything ready for her first day, packed up her food, milk and a batch of magic bullet mashed potatoes i made last night. this girl LOOOOOOOOVEs her patatas!
i tried to cut her nails and my dumb ass used the nail cutters for the first time and cut 3 of her little fingers. they wouldn't stop bleeding. i put pressure on them, washed them, tried to put band aids..nothing workeD! rod came home, and helped get her ready. her fingers kept bleeding that the blood got all over rod and her new clothes. we got out the house and headed to walgreens to get the liquid bandaids but that shit was bootleg. didnt even work. eventually it stopped. we got her to school on time and by the time we got there she was knocked out.
this whole time, i was thinking that we both would cry when i dropped her off, but totally the opposite. i put her in her bed, gave her blanket and book. signed in, put her food away and we were off. i was feeling good about it. rod on the other hand...was sad..
i was able to get my one stop card, tried to buy a book at the bookstore but after looking at that line..i said fuggeddaboutit.
we headed to fcc to do some work. productive typing and reading while pumping.
we worried, missed, thought about amianan
we thought she would be crying when she wakes up not seeing us around
i picked her up and she was getting her diapers changed. she was all smiles..happy to see mommy. she was a good student today. she slept for an hour after i dropped her off, she met new friends, played with them, ate up her mashed patatas but refused her milk and fruit. we were happy
we took her home to give her a bath and then get ready for our pep meeting back at state.
shared river of lifes with folks in PEP and snuck out with michelle ferrer to buy that damn book i needed for class and walked out with a new back pack. got there just in time for closing.
now were home. she didnt get to sleep at 8 instead rod had to sing to her and she fell asleep at 1045. hopefully this doesnt fuck up her schedule.
tomorrow..is studying and going to ccsf for PEP.
vaya con dios

Back in the academic grind

I had my Educational Leadership Orientation last saturday. it was from 9-4. Homegurl Gwen is in my cohort among these chancellors/vice chancellors, principals, abcdefg type folks. It was overwhelming. I kept telling myself that i can do this. that its only 3 long years of my life. then i have my doctorate. i've been through struggle and pain, i can endure another type of struggle. i kept telling myself that the reason why i do this is for amianan and all the young people to have an equitable education. and all day i thought about amianan. how she was doing. if she was crying. if she was hungry. i also missed rod. the 3 of us are so inseperable, that one being out causes major seperation anxiety.

rod had his first day of school that afternoon as well. ninang nikkie watched for a few hours till i picked her up. i have 8 teachers for 3 of my classes. met some folks from my cohort. then i peaced out, picked up amianan, ate dinner, and knocked out.

today was amianans orientation at the day care at sfsu. she got to meet her teachers and classmates. she even rolled around the floor and showed them a few tricks. ninang allyson and manang laya came too. it was amazing seeing other children her age. she's so used to being around college kids that this was a breath of fresh air for rod and i. one of my youth from girlsource has her son in amianans class. i was like..i know you. shantay was one of my first students in my CLP classes. she can spit hot fiyah. her son is adorable. she was 15 when she was in my program, now she's going on 20 with a son and is in prenursing at sfsu. what a small world.

amaians first day of school is on wednesday. i packed her stuff in her cubby and she's ready to go. i just think rod and i arent ready for it. i think amianan knows. our lives are changing so often, i dont know when i can rock steady. but for now, we're riding the waves together as a family. thats how ilocanos roll..represent! ;)

Sacramento

We had our fall 2008 PEP retreat in sac this past weekend. it was coooooool! i felt so relaxed. there was not one time where i felt stressed out. just a little i guess. but thats about it. i think it was when we went swimming at the cabana on friday. it was amianans first time in the pool. she cried at first but after a while she got used to it. she watched the other kids swim and she was chillen. i wasnt sure when to change those swimmer diapers, feed her, i guess it was just anxiety. other than that, amianan was good the whole weekend. it was tiring for sure. but i was able to let loose with the teachers this weekend. everyone plays with amianan..and mahalaya was so cute with her too. but on the way home, amianan cried from sac to vacaville. she wouldnt stop. we stopped to feed her then after a few minutes she knocked out. jocyl and i slept all the way to daly city. poor thing! we didnt get home 10pm.

we got back and i unpacked and repacked for our 830 am flight.

woke up at 6am, out the door by 705 and into sfo by 715. we had enough time to grab a breakfast sandwhich and a decaf. when we were in the plane, we had to wait for 20 minutes and amianan would not stop crying. she was crying soooo bad. for 40 minutes. i changed her 3 times, fed her and she still cried. of course we got the looks, and the guy in front who kept putting his headphones closer to his ears. but whatever.i didnt give a flying fuck! they can kiss my ass.

i finally got her in a cradle position and she fell asleep the whole ride until we landed. i bjorned her and we were on our way. rods parents picked us up and we went straight to riverside. she loves it here...laughs, sleeps, play. the 3 of us felt relaxed now that we're on vacation. we went to red lobster last night with the family and the dagdagans. then today the 3 of us went to cabazon. bought our moms dooney bags and i finally gave in and bought me a coach sling purse. had to have one. so i dont have to put my wallet, sunglasses, camera and phone in her diaper bag. its like 10 lbs heavier..so with a sling purse, i can sling it over my shoulder and not worry about putting it down when i change her diaper. i almost left a purse in the bathroom and thats when i started sharing amianans diaper bag.

tomorrow, we'll be going to lakewood to spend time with my fams and go to mai tais, take amianan to the aquarium and chill. we go back up friday night and i have orientation and rod has his first day of class!
yeah
more to
come

raiders & grandparents!

my folks and sis were town this weekend. They came friday afternoon, but we already planned on tailgating for the raider game and watching it at 7pm. it was the raiders vs. the 49'ers and amianans introduction to football. she had her raiderette outfit on. she was soo cute. but she was really cranky during the game. it was cold and i didn't come to prepared for her. she was scared from all the noise whenever the raiders scored. there was a fan next to us who introduced himself and gave amianan $5.00. he said it was tradition in his family to give a baby money when they first meet. its good luck. sure was cause the raiders won that night! there was a younger 49ers fan close to us too. little boy all in red! but he didnt get any money. i was about to beat some people up though..nikkie and i took amianan to the bathroom to change her wet diaper and when we got out of the bathroom, half time just started! so a flood of people came into the hall ways. it was so hard to get to our seats. the baby was crying so bad, i was shaking trying to protect her, nikkie was trying to lead the way and block people and some fans tried to help us. by the time we got to our seats i was about to lose it. i started crying and hugging the baby. crazy drunk people. im never changing her during half time! 3rd quarter amianan and i watched the game on a monitor by the top of the stairs. we won! we left when the 4th quarter started so we can beat the traffic and get the baby home to play with her grandparents and auntie.

auntie michelle went to a wedding on saturday and grandma and grandpa watched amianan while we went on a date. we watched dark knight! it was soooo bad ass! i love that movie. it was good to go out and just be couple..but i realllllly missed amianan. i kept thinking about her and i missed her soo much! i came home and the baby was asleep. she drank 4 oz of milk and ate arroz caldo. she woke up once i got in the room. but its ok..i hugged her a lot and gave her kisses ;)
she fell asleep at midnight though..not good.

sunday morning we all watched the usa vs china basketball game and grandpa took amianan out on a walk around the block. they came back in half an hour and she was asleep. they left at noon and rod, amianan, jocyl and i went to pistahan for a while to check out the bayanihan stage. it was a nice sunny day to be out.

we got home and worked worked worked on our lesson plans for sfusd.!

Third world baby food

So i've been feeding amianan all sorts of jarred baby food and she hates it. she eats a little cause its different then refuses to eat it. she also hates rice cereal. i try to be patient with her and sit with her to eat... but i dunno. i've been trying earths best and the sweet potato is aiight but the peas and carrots..YUCK! i can't blame her. she's probaly thinking the same thing. i also gave her apples in a jar. yuck too. so i was like fuck it i'll buy some bananas and avocados. easy to make. just smoosh it add a little breastmilk cool.. she likes the bananas but i had to stop giving it to her cause she hasn't taken a shit since last tuesday.

so i've been researching all sorts of stuff online. and i found an article that was talking about how there is a western bias on how to feed babies. there is no scientific study as to why you should feed your baby rice cereal first, or that if you start your babies on sweet food they would have a sweet tooth and refuse the bland stuff. then i see a show on parent tv and this lady made sweet potatos with pears and added paprika. she said that your baby ate all sorts of stuff when she was in the womb and tastes everything from your milk that it shouldnt hurt your baby. so00000 many contradications. who's right, whos wrong?

so i decided to call my cousin julie. my god daugher jaelyn is 4 and she eats everything. all filipino food, she looooves fruits and veggies. anything you give her, she will eat it. i asked julie what kind of baby food did she feed jaelyn and with attitude she said. BABY FOOD?! what baby food? have you tried that shit. that shit is nasty. you would give that to your baby? i was like . ummmm i already did. then she went on about her parents never buying baby food and that she just ate whatever mom cooked. she did the same with jaelyn. she only gave her rice cereal in the morning, but with lunch and dinner, it was rice (rice cooker rice)with some sort of soup with it. and when jae got older, julie would add the chicken or fish.

then i thought about it. relatives in the barrio of the phils don't have food processesors and fancy ice cube trays, baby bowls and spoons, shit, they dont have 99% of the bullshit i relay on everyday. why am i trippin about what i feed my child? i know this is my first baby and i want to make sure i do everything right but what is right? whos standards? western ideals? am i conforming to what so called experts say? most of these experts are not 3rd world women of color. they don't talk about the "ethnic" way to raise a child.

so i really really thought about it. what can i feed amianan? what would she like? rod and i can cook some mean ilocano food (without patis and bagoong cause i'm allergic) we dont put hella salt on our food. we dont eat too much sugar here cause rods diabetic. we eat really healthy in our household. i was thinking of sinigang, sotanghon, arroz caldo, (all sodium free of course)..amianan would love that. i can also do fruits..mangos, bananas, papaya, peaches

today, nikkie, amianan and i went to Karilangan in South City and i thought i would give it a try. we ordered sampalok with chicken..YUM..i got a little bowl, put the sabao and rice..let it sit and i tried to smash up the rice but it was too hard. so i scooped up some soup can let amianan have a little taste. her face was funny cause it was a little sour, but she kept smacking her gums after like she was trying to figure out what that taste was. then she kept reaching towards the bowl and kept saying mum mum. i gave her little by little. they i ate then nikkie fed her a little. she LOVED IT! but i had to stop cause i didnt want to give her a stomach ache.

i'll still see if she would take some baby food, but i'm making it this time. and filipino food..yum..this will force us to cook rather than eating out all the time.

i'll read the books and i'll use their advice as guidelines..or take the best and leave the rest kinda deal..but really..who are they writing these books for?

NAPA, CA

The family took a trip to NAPA last weekend for our PEP BOD retreat. It was at Lolo dans office. I recruited Nikkie to watch the girls. Amianan played with siena, jaden and mahalaya. i can't
imagine what amianan will be like at their age. they were so cute. nikkie had the girls make princess crowns, bracelets, play games, go outside. she chased after the older girls and bjorned amianan. amianan loves her auntie nikkie!










The Dawn, Allyson, Laya, April and the fams stayed the night in NAPA and in the morning we all got our massage on at st. petes. the ladies had massages while rod watched amianan and mahalaya. after i was done, he went in for his. amianan was asleep the whole time i watched her. she loves her afternoon naps with mom. the massage was alright. i've had better. i just imagined myself back on the cliff in jamaica with rod getting a message. their oil stunk so i had to wash that off in the bathroom before i fed amianan.
Then we ate at the Oxbow public market. had some mini corndogs, sweet potatoe fries, wisconsin burger and some good napa beer. amianan wasn't too fussy this weekend. she was really cool. she cried for 10 mintues while i was in the shower cause she was hungry and sleepy. but that was about it.













This was a picture in front of the market. rod and i used to take pics of ourselves with the camera for the longest time. now we have a third person in our crew..such a trip











THis is Amianan eating her roobies. she's funny. she puts anything in her mouth










Rod and the girls. Mahalaya likes to wake up Amianan when rods not looking. When amianan wakes up, Mahalya says, Amianan woke up on her own with a little smirk. its super cute..hahaha i caught her touching amianas cheeks while she was sleeping then amianan would wake up. mahalaya is such a good manang to amianan.










Amianan started to eat solid food last friday. she started with organic sweet potatoes. I went to babies r us to get her diapers and i ended up buying all sorts of bullshit. i bought her a bumbo chair, diapers, ointment, more breast sheilds, then i was at the food section and i wanted to see if they had a magic bullet so i can make her food but they didnt. so i ran into earths best organic baby food. the veggie w/water. i bought a starter pack to see how she would do with them and so far she likes the sweet potatoes and peas. the next one will be carrots. after the starter ones im going to start making them. along with some filipino food ;) anyone know where i can find the magic bullet?

amianan is almost sitting on her own and she rolls all over the place. she loves her crib though. she's funny when she puts herself to sleep. she would just lay down, play with her blocks for a bit then fall asleep suckin on her lips. is if there is a soosoo there..hahah
i love amianan ;0











This is amianan tanning at Great America water park hahaha

Midnight sun part tatlo

Our Last Day in Alaska (Sunday, July 7, 2008)
We packed early in the morning so we can have a day of gallivanting around with my aunt and uncle.

Wildberry park: our first stop. my sister was craving chocolates and she bought $75 worth of it. the white chocolate caramel almonds are to die for!

Flattop mountain: we drove up a windy road to the foot of flattop. you see so many hikers going to the top. we didnt bring any gear and we didnt have 2 hours to spare to hike up and down that thing. right when we got into the parking lot we saw a 8 foot tall moose on the right and it seemed to look right at us and then started to charge towards the van. OH SHIT!..then it ran right behind us..close call. they are known to kill more people than bears!
at the view point, you can see all of anchorage. we took funny pictures. amianan was crashed out in the van with my aunt the whole time.

Beluga Point: we were driving south of anchorage on this beautiful road to portage. we stopped at Beluga point where you can peep some white beluga whales. that songs been in my head ever since. i sing it to Amianan everyday and she calms down. we looked through FREE telescopes and i spotted a take and a snort of water. it was cool. again, amianan was crashed out in the van with grandma

on the way to portage- yeah i know its illegal, but amianan woke up and she was hella crying. i had to take her out of the carseat to feed her while we drove. we couldn't spare any time cause our flight was at 1am and it was already 3pm. i put her back in the car seat and my sister and i were looking out the window at the waterfalls from the snow ontop of the mountains. then all of a sudden my uncle hit the brakes REALLY HARD! the van skidded for atleast 20 feet and when i looked to the front of the van. i saw this 9 foot moose ass right in front of the van. i also heard this bitch ass scream of OOOOOOHHH SHIIIIT!..coming from rod of course. hahah the mooses ass was as high as van. i guess it was running across the street with its baby moose and the baby moose hesitated to cross so the mama moose stopped right in front of us and ran. that was a close ass call. it was a 2 way highway and there were hella cars behind us. rod loves telling this story.

Aleyeska Resort- this place has good snowboarding. when we go back..we're going here to hit the slopes. we also stopped at the jade co. factory and got away with some jade necklaces, and earrings. kinda pricey but alaska is known for jade.

portage glacier. we were able to see the glacier from a distance and you can tell it was melting away. pieces of glaciers were in the bay and we were able to take pics with them. they are sooo blue..

alaska is an amazing state. if you ever want to feel relaxed..fish, camp, snowboard..see 22 hours of sunlight or 22 hours of moonlight.

Art Sudarias house: our last stop. we went to my uncles house. (moms first cousin) they have a daughter named Arlene Sudaria. hahha! they cooked us up some rib eye steak, korean bbq, clam and salmon ceviche, tinapa, more salmon. man..i ate soo much there..=) my relatives know how to cook! it was cool. the younger cousins came over, some more aunts and we ate, talked, and had the younger ones sing for us. it was fun. i wish we stayed for another day just to see more of alaska beauty. my uncles packed 2 50 lbs boxes of wild king salmon. my mom and i had one box each to bring home and give away. once we got back i gutted and cut 2 salmons. im officially sick of it..for now.

i'll never forget our first family trip outside of cali, our family in achorage, the kadwas from FANHS and what i got out of the conference. Anchorage holds a special place in my own Filipin@ american narrative and for some reason it felt as if i was seeing alaska through my grandparents eyes.


















the salmon that we brought home 50lbs of it.




Wildberry chocolate

midnight sun part duex

Filipino American National Historical Society- Anchorage, Alaska

July 4, 2008
So we woke up kinda late, again. it was 4th of july. we asked about fireworks and we were laughed at. Fireworks in the middle of the night? impossible when the suns still out. My mom and sis went gallivanting around Alaska with our Uncle Bening and his lady friend. They went to Portage and Whittier. Rod, Amianan and I went to the conference. We got there in time for the Panel on Ethnic Studies with lolo gonzo, gem daus, oscar p, and Juanita tamayo lott. mad inspiring. its the 40th anniversary since the creation of ethnic studies. i'm grateful for the trailblazers of this movement. i wouldnt be doing what im doing without them. we took a picture with all the folks in the room, left fists up!
oh and i got to meet Gem Daus. a long lost cousin i guess. everyone alwasy asks me if we're brother and sister. i've been asked this since 1999. he has a sister named arlene daus and she was born in long beach. can you believe that?
We broke of lunch and had these sandwhiches longer than Amianan.

after lunch the girls and i headed to allysons room and took a nap. at 3 we headed down for pops/peps workshop on a roundtable of pin@y educators. they played PEPordy and had the teachers talk about their experiences being a pin@y educator. it was great. we had folks compliment the work that we do and told us that folks are watching nationwide.

after we all debriefed and we met about our saturday morning plenary.

we were all hungry. tried to make the 4th of july festival between 9th and 12 street but didnt make it on time. we ate at seafood restaurant close to the hilton and had grilled halibut. yum!

we got back to the house, totally tired from the conference. mom and sis werent back yet. they went to a local baseball game to see my cousin shenlee perform the national anthem. we all had another late 4th of july dinner at my aunts house across the street. 10pm. we had soupas, fried fish, bbq, veggies. met some more aunts and uncles. we have an uncle bong. thats the first in my family. hahahahha!

we went to bed at 2am. my uncles and aunts wanted us to go fishing and clamming with them but we had the conference to go to. they left at 2am with a huge winnebego, atv's and headed 3 hours south for the weekend. we were jealous and kinda irritated that we had 1 more workshop to do. my moms and sis opted out of the trip so they can come with us to the conference and help watch the baby while moms and pops did the plenary. they were tired from their mini adventure around alaska.

we woke up at 6am. yeah thats early in alaska standards. hungry as fuck. we had to buy breakfast at the hotel cafe.
PEP plenary on how to teach filipin@ american studies to youth.
we were kinda of worried that no one would show up. it was an 830 am plenary. the last day of the conference. people trickled in. and of course 840 we had a room of about 100

allyson started off with the welcome and thank you. cause without all those filipino american historians in the room. we would have nothing to teach.

we played this awesome game of move yo' butt. it was totally intergenerational. from young to old. we had a blast. the elders had some funny ones. move yo butt, ubet, or puett if you eat dinung deng and pinakbet.

allyson, me and franciso went over the PEP structure

then we broke up each participant into groups so they can learn our PEPagogies (social justice, counterstorytelling, decolonization etc) and each group had to come up with an art form to teach everyone when we share. the learning and sharing was amazing. it proved to me that PEP actually does work. from 5 years old to 85 years old. fred cordova even shed some tears. it was amazing to show what we do to these folks. i was inspired.

PEP with the Cordovas. Uncle Fred, Auntie Dorothy and Manang Joanie.

After our panel, moms, sis, me, pop, and amianan headed to the weekend farmers market across the street from the hilton. they had over 300 booths of food and goodies. we walked in and i saw a sign for salmon quesadillas. YUM. we walked throught the different lanes, they sold smoked fish, ulu knives, tourist shirts and hats. everything geared to the tourists. i just wanted to eat. had me some quesdillas, chips and water.


i wanted to hit the zoo or the wildberry park before the banquet in the evening. we had about 3 hours to kill. down the street at the visitors center they offered free shuttles to the zoo. we caught one and headed to the Alaska Zoo. i was thinking san diego zoo, la zoo. clean, paved roads. uh no. shit was all gravel, mosquitos the size of birds. totally wild life. no pun intended. i wanted to take amianan there to see animals. we saw really depressed animals. all laying down and aint doin a damn thing. polar bears, moose, grizzlys, birds, leopards, alpacas. we did a speedy version of the tour. we brought the stroller but rod bjorned her the whole time. try pushing a stoller on dirt roads up hill. not cute.
We got back to the house at around 3pm and it gave us some time to relax and get ready for the banquet at 530. we left amianan with my mom and sister. hoping that she wouldn't go crazy again. we were mad early! we met up with the PEP folks and decided to take pics in front of the hotel.

we were still early, that we went to the bar for some well deserved drinks. the banquet was ok. it started late. there was an emcee who yelled at everyone to sit down and started to call names out. not cute. that was uncomfortable. we also brought the yay to AK. jonell brought a bottle of hen and some beer and we drank like it was noonesbidness. yeah we were lout, yeah we got stares from the folks in around us and yeah we looked like the kids table at an all grown up event. so what. we were celebrating our accomplishments, us being in AK, and shit we were on our best behavior all week . it was time to get loose yadidamean?
rod was mad faded by the time we got back to the house.

amianan was crying again. we had phone calls every hour telling us that she wouldnt stop. my sis bjorned her and took her to the park to swing. they tried everything. when we got home she was cool. i fed her and she knocked out. and so did we. it was a long long day. we had one more day to go and that was our chance to have an ultimate alaskan adventure in 10 hours.

AK day of adventure..next post.. gotta go to sleep..baby wakes up in about 7 hours and i need some shut eye.

Midnight Sun

Anchorage, Alaska is one of the most beautiful cities I have ever been to! The lifestyle is slow paced. you can tell by their driving, when you go to restaurants, when they go to sleep and when they wake up. It was my first time seeing daylight all night. it was 11pm and it looked like it was 3pm. i didn't feel like sleeping. This really messed us all up. we slept at 1am woke up at 7am. and they're also an hour behind us.

Tuesday July 1
getting ready

we packed 2 bags for the 3 of us. amianan and my stuff in one medium sized suitcase and rod and the pasalubong in another. we totally packed according to the weather online. jackets, pants, longsleeves, layering clothes. i packed amianan pink track suites, hats, onsies, jackets, jammys. brought the boppy for the plane ride so she can sleep on it while i hold her, the bjorn, snap and go stroller, car seat, car seat bag, diaper bag full of her toys, diapers, change of clothes, bibs and punas. rods back pack had conference stuff, computer and breast milk and bottles. HELLA SHIT! i was sweating when i was done packing our stuff. so much to list and cross off, and reminders all over the house so i dont forget her milk, cereal etc etc etc!

Wednesday July 2
to SFO
sis michelle ferrer picked us up at the butt craka dawn. 515am for our 730am departure. we got to the airport and we were super haaaaannngry! rod and i bought breakfast, ate and then waited at the gate. we met a woman and her 9 week old baby from seattle. we chopped it up. moms have an unspoken connection.
we put the car seat in its bag and stroller by the door and we settled into our seats. i had the window and rod had the middle. it was 2 hours to seattle and i was able to breastfeed amianan before takeoff and she knocked out till 830. she was awake for an hour, had one diaper change and was entertained by the guy next to us. he put on kunk fu panda for her to watch. :0

Seattle- ANK
seattle airport is huge! took us 10 mintues to get to our next gate. we waited about half and hour and we boarded our plane to ANK. we requested aisle to window seats. it wasnt a full flight. i had her on her bjorn and before we took off she fell asleep. the flight attendant said that i would have to take her out and carry her on my lap because it was dangerous to keep her facing forward. whatever. it annoyed me that i had to take her out and wake her up cause she was so comfy and sleeping. so i decided to wait until they shut the cabin door to take her out and 4 flight attendants came by and told me the same thing over and over. and i kinda gave them a firm look and said I KNOW! before they said anything else. of course when i took her out she was awake for 2 of the 3 hours. she slept the last hour. right before we landed, i looked out the window and i saw the mountains covered in snow and the ice glaciers. WOW!

Anchorage, Alaska
My sister was already in ANK since monday and my mom was on a flight that was arriving 10 minutes after ours. i was glad i was able to make this a family vacay out of the FAHNS conference. my uncle jopan and auntie linda (my moms first cousin is auntie linda, her dad and my moms dad are brothers) picked us up. they lived 2 mintues from the airport. we had good salmon sinigang! my mom brought a 50lbs box from so cal full of filipino vegetables. they pay top dollar in ANK for vegetables since they cant grow it there. we decided to rent a car so we didnt have to bother my aunt and uncle transporting us to and from downtown. we rented a dodge caliber and we were off to wal mart. i had to get diapers for the babe. there were hella pin@ys there. they even sell patis there. once we got back we ate some more and napped all day all night. the flight zapped us. i met 2 of my cousins Franz and Shenlee. franz is 7 and shenlee is 10. WE PACKED THE WRONG SHIT! why the weather forcast said 50-60 degrees with rain all week? it was 75-80 sun was bright for 22 hours of the day! it was hot and humid. amianan had the wrong clothes and all i brought were jeans and tops. lucky i had slippers!








Thursday, July 3
My mom, sis, rod, amianan and i got ready in the morning and went downtown to get some breakfast and then check into the conference. we ate at this little cafe that had the best eggs benedict and reindeer sausage. i didnt eat it but they did. they said it tasted like hillshire farms kelbasa.
we checked into the conference at the hilton right next door and we saw soo many filipino american pioneers, trailblazers, community folks, academics! pep rolled 12 people deep to ANK! plus mahalaya and amianan. we got there at the end of the 1st plenary of alaskeros. then it was lunch. we walked around down town, in and out of shops, took pictures with stuffed animals and then ate a brewery next door. had some alaskan ale and back to the conference. we saw a panel with dawn mabalon who spoke about filipinos in angel island, then melissas panel where she presented her research on 2nd gen filipinos. we went back to the house and ate some gooooood ass filipino speghetti my auntie made and left amianan and the fams
behind so we could go to the book reception at the hilton. after that we kicked with cordovas, emily lawsin, their friends, pep folks on the 14th floor guest lounge. had free food, drinks and a view of the sleeping lady. had to get back cause my baby was crying her eyes out and grandma didnt know what to do. we headed back. sis and rod were faded. that was the end of day 2 in alaska.
to be cont. day 3-5 to come.

Alaska or Bust

So we are finally getting ready to go to Anchorage, Alaska for the Filipino American Historical National Society conference. We are staying with my Auntie Linda and Uncle Jopan. My sister is already there and my mom will meet us there on Wednesday. I'm really excited to go. Why you ask? its Alaska.
When my grandparents immigrated here in the 80's they had a tough time finding a job in Cali. My grandpas brother was working in Anchorage and Kodiak Alaska in the canneries and convinced them to check it out. They migrated north to work there. They lived in a boarding house, worked 6 months out of the year and came down to cali for 6 months to be with their grandchildren. I remember every time they came to visit, they brought big boxes full of dungenous crab, king crab, halibut and salmon. i mean boxes! the fish were 20 lbs each, the crabs were HUGE! i grew up eating all of that!

besides the food, i want to see the place my grandparents lived for so many years. my moms first cousins are there with all their families and i'm excited to meet all of them. i want to see the daylight at midnight. i want to catch fish where my grandpa fished. when i ask my grandpa if he misses anchorage or kodiak. he says, "not really". its too cold, the work is hard. he really loves his retirement in the phils.

a long flight with the baby is making me a little anxious. i know she'll be fussy. because of the extra long flight, i'm bringing the boppy so she can sleep ontop of it after i nurse her. shes getting so big. she'll be celebrating her 5 month birthday on Saturday. yay!
her sleeping patterns have been fucked up the past few weeks. trying to get her back into her 9pm-9am but right now its 12am-7pm then little naps here and there during the day. the meetings and the late nights have messed all of us up. we're extra tired during the day cause she wants to play all day.

oh yeah! she got into SFSU's day care for the fall. MWF from 730-1230. it will give me time to study and do work in the mornings. she gets to play with more babies! whats cool is that there is only 6 infants per room and 3 teachers per room. now we'll be going to school together!

anyway. she just put herself to sleep infront of the TV. gotta put her in the crib.

g diaper update

I love the g diaper. the concept and the look. BUT there are a few things that make me go back to the pampers swaddles.

Pros

• Good for the environment
• G covers are cool

Cons

• Cloggs the toilet
• its messy when there is poop involved. especially trying to teat the diaper apart when there's poop on it.
• washing the liner after poop
• when its on the diaper scrunches in the middle and causes leaks
• Amianan doesn't sleep long when she's in them.
• Amianan gets fussy when she's wearing them
• hard to find at stores
• you can order on line but the delivery charge is $$
• takes forever to put on and take out

i guess i have more cons than pros but i think if i gave it more time i will get used to them and so will amianan. i think i'll do it more consistently when we get back from our trip.

Amianan at 4 months

Amianan just turned 4 months on Thursday . Rod and I have seen some changes in her already since her 3 month milestone. she totally has a different cry. i miss the newborn cry. =( now its this loud piercing cry with all these tears that roll down her face. she likes to play in her baby Einstein play yard, but lately she would roll over to her tummy and throw up. Then she likes to put her face right on her throw up and smother it all over. YUCK.baby throw up is no joke! it smells like some on just had a hang over and yacked. she's a total rock star already. so, after i nurse her i put her in her swing to settle tummy. she hasn't used that thing all month till last week. i was tired of washing her play yard! i would put her on her swing for a while. sometimes she takes her naps there.
her sleeping patterns are getting better too. at 3 months, i would nurse her laying down around 9pm and she would fall asleep. i swaddle her and put her in her crib. she would wake up at 5 or 6am and take a big dump, nurse her for 20 minutes then she would fall asleep again until 9am. she eats atleast 7 times a day. now i noticed that she eats less. i still put her to sleep around 9 and now she just sleeps through her morning feedings and wakes up at 8 or 9 in the morning! rock star! she's getting so big!

last night we had or 5th annual PEP banquet at the Bayanihan Community Center. The set up was nice, the food was GOOD!, the performances were super funny and the teachers, students, board members and families made it even more special. Rod and i were awarded this beautiful clock for our 5 years of service for PEP. i can't believe its been that long! within the 5 years, we graduated with our masters, got engaged, got married, had a baby..damn..hopefully in the next 5 years we would both have our doctorates and another baby! and maybe a 2nd honeymoon! ;)

Amianan was of course overwhelmed. Its hard to balance her feedings when mommy is part of the show. she was passed over to many arms and i think she had enough last night. by the time we got home, we changed her and fed her but she was up way past her bed time. she wouldn't fall asleep nursing. rod hurt his back, i hurt my arm..we're all sorts of fucked up since she has been getting heavier and heavier! 11pm i said fuck it..im going to try the cry out method. so i swaddled her put her in her crib, turned off the lights and said, if she cries for 10 minutes we go in a soothe her and we keep doing that till she falls asleep. for 2 minutes she makes noises and i watch the clock. then next thing you know, she's breathing deep. i check the crib and she's sound asleep. THANK GOD! cause rod and i were so tired from the event we almost knocked out with her in between us. who knows where she would've scooched to if we fell asleep.

thats another thing.she's creepin.. its funny how she uses her legs to move. she doesnt know how to use her arms at the same time but when she's on her tummy puts her hear on the mat, sticks her butt up and uses her knees to move forward! its soo cute!

in a few weeks, we'll be heading off to Alaska for FAHNS! this child will be well traveled by the time she's 5. She's already flown to LA twice, Alaska next! she's been to laker games and giants games, hella meetings, community orgs, parties.. we already want to take her to the phils next year and hawaii too..

today we're going to the FCC Filipino Fiesta. I better get ready while she's asleep then i gotta give her a sponge bath before we head out. This will be my first time taking her out by myself cause poppa already left to set up.

Mommy Day

today was Mommy Day. Rod watched Amianan so mommy can get her hair cut and her nails done. I've been really lazy about my hair lately and that's totally not like me. I think before i was pregnant, I was at the salon all the time. Different colors, different cuts, bangs, no bangs, peekaboos, chunks. I was all about it. But when i got pregnant, i went with what ever was low maintenance. i dyed my hair one color and got a cut. then i decided that i wanted to grow it out until amianan was 1. but when she was born, i was feeling all sorts of tore back. my self esteem and body image issues were at a all time low. its like i spend all my time going to the gym, running marathons, eating organic..then you blow up like a blimp and your body changes before your eyes! don't get me wrong, what came out of me was someone that i will truly love for the rest of my life, but the body i got stuck with is what i'll have to live with. yeah right..

so i forgot about the promise of growing my hair for a year and decided to get a hair cut at serramonte mall. out of all places. i chose it out of convenience cause it was down the street, baby was only a month old and i wanted it fast. So i chose regis hair salon..damn..why i got the old russian lady that gave me a jennifer aniston 1994 hair cut? rod was clownin..and i took that shit to heart. i was all fucked up as it was. i even gave her a picture and shit looked nothing like it. so i wore those damn clips to pull my bangs back cause she fucked them up with a razor. no volume, just BLAH! look at the picture below. yeah.. right?














so a few months roll by and i had to consult with my sis michelle f cause she be keeping up with her do. she referred me to Janene from On Mars! www.onmarssalon.com, she was awesome! she totally took the picture and made it happen. very easy to talk to, she wont talk you out of what you want. she totally takes her time. after she styled my hair, she still looked to see if we can add more umph to the cut. i love it! i feel liberated! i finally found someone i can be loyal to. i hate jumpin from one person to the next. i need a relationship with my stylist for sure.


mind you, im posting after puttin the the baby to sleep. i'll post a pic of the new do when i get all dressed up for banquet tomorrow..hahaha ;)
but yeah if you want a new place to get a cool hair cut or color-- go to on mars in corner of Fillmore and Waller. Tell jenene that Arlene sent you!

later on in the day..angelica swooped me up and we went to Da-Vi at Tanforan to get our nails did. it was dope but some folks there are hella sadot when they clean you nails..i came home smelling like that salon. everyone was getting their nails done there. why the girl sitting across from me at the nail dryer look like a filipino heidi montag. she even sounded like her. anyway, i got home, gave baby girl a bath, fed her and she knocked out.
*oh rod said she did a semi crawl? isn't that too early. but she can get on her fours a little and use her knee to move forward. she's getting so big soo fast..

"g" diapers

Rod is trying to graduate Amianan to stage 2 diapers and they are super big! after going through what seems to be a million diapers, i've decided to try g.diapers. www.gdiapers.com their not cloth or plastic disposables, they're flushables! i've always wanted to go cloth, but i hated the fact that i had to carry those suckers around all soiled with poop/pee until the diaper service comes to pick it up. i rather throw it away and be done with them. i'm a clean freak as it is, i don't know what i would do if i had those cloth diapers. but i found g diapers through my cousin in law. after reading the website, i'm sold! i bought a starter kit to see what its like. trying to be more earth friendly.

today is also the first time i caught a cold in a long time. i think the last time was when i was pregnant. i blame it on stress and all the sugar from those darn tea cakes and macaroons michelle p gave us last week. damn those tea cakes for being so succulent!
i bet amianan loved it in her breast milk..she's asleep right now in her swing that her auntie narah bought for her. she's been really fussy lately. maybe she's teething? she's growing so fast, i miss my little newborn! but i love how chubby she is and rolls around and laughs at us!

Newborn

I just realized that I needed to start a blog, journal, or something to document this journey as a mother. I wanted to start one when I was pregnant, then I said that I would start one once Amianan was born. But after 15 1/2 weeks of being a mom and Amianan now exiting newborn status, I finally gave in.
This year has been a beautiful struggle. From giving birth through surgery, being a mom and watching Rod become such a wonderful father, celebrating my 30th birthday, and getting in to grad school. This is just the beginning.