Amianan Studies

my goal is to finish this dissertation by the spring. Right now i'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how i'm going to start this. I've edited and revised my 3 chapters so many times and now it's going through another iteration. i have yet to lock in a proposal defense date and collecting data to finish my last 2 chapters. all of this is on top of being a mother and wife and a full time job. I don't know how i'll get through the next 6 months but i did it the last 3 years..so what's stopping me now. life.. when you start thinking about death, all you want to do is live. i want to finish this dissertation so i can do the things i've always wanted to do with Amianan and Rod when I was in class, writing, reading, studying locked up in a room somewhere at home, state or at a cafe. I will continue my scholarship after this dissertation but right now, i really want a family vacation with the 3 of us kickin it on an island, boat, little town, some...

On September 30, 2010, My mother in law- Mama Jean- passed away from brain cancer. Her battle with cancer was short but we didn't know how long she had it. Rod, Amianan and I were trying to catch a flight out of San Francisco to LA that same day but we were delayed. Even if we made it to LA on time, Mama Jean took her last breath around 8:55 p.m. that night. When we got to SFO, and saw the delays on the board I started to get frantic. I wanted to get Rod to his mom as soon as I could but everything was going against us. I was texting Denise all day and she was giving us updates on mom and i knew in my heart that mom couldn't wait for us anymore. As much as I prayed that she waited for us to arrive, I also told her to go if it hurts to much. The 4 months that she suffered was too much to witness and i'm sure was too much for Mama Jeans body and spirit. When Mom collapsed during Rods Graduation, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help but to be there f...

I'm sitting in my last day of class in Summer 2010 and it finally hit me that today is my last day of doctorate classes! whoooo hooooo! i went through 6 semesters of classes in 2 years..year round schooling..tons of papers, readings, connections with awesome people and here I am..about to board a plane to LBC to finally reunite with my Asawa and ubing.. just a few more hurdles before Graduation 2011!!! Dissertation Proposal Data Collection Dissertation Writing Dissertation Defense and i'm shooting for a full draft by the end of February 2011!!! let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm sitting on my mom in laws favorite part of the couch while Rod sleeps next to me with wrestling on the new tv we bought dad. Amianan is upstairs sleeping in her papa's childhood room, and mom and dad sleep in their bedroom downstairs. It hit me hard today..the fact that mom is really sick and that it may be terminal. I keep thinking of Rod, Amianan, Dad, Rich, Denise and all of our families mixed with the future and what it will look like. While I was putting Aming to sleep, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and I started to cry. Amianan put her arm around my neck and told me, "Be happy Mama, don't be sad, don't worry mama" I can tell mom is happy when Amianan is around, but I can see it in her eyes that she's sad that she can't get up and dance with her, play with her and sing songs with her. It breaks my heart each time is see mom. I miss her stories, her dirty jokes, her feisty-ness.. but I also think of the survivors and that giv...

through vivid dreams they come... through moments of despair and hopelessness they come.. through peace and love they come.. through my child they come.. sailing through calm waters where the moon shines in between fog and dreams they come.. messages of life after death while walking the earth love to loved ones anticipating moments of when sight becomes reality awkwardly finding its place in my universe. losing sight while unsteadily rocking through life with the constant battle of time this is a reminder to see to allow this to be part of me to open myself up again and be vulnerable allow them to come and not be afraid to speak when i feel censored to those who don't believe to see to dream to listen to move freely a blessing or a curse? a sight of ones own death? a dream of my child growing inside? a sight of a love lost? a dream of messages to be told to the living? a sight of ones own death? own... losing sight so i won't be able to see completely afraid of the outcome all...

I want to dedicate this blog to my asawa, Roderick 5 years ago, Rod was accepted to USF in the School Education for his Educational Doctorate He went into it knowing that he ultimately wants his own classroom, teaching. I witnessed the struggle and survival to achieve this goal. Endless reading, writing and critical thinking. Working, teaching and starting and raising a family Finding self over and over again Redefining self over and over again along the way mentoring and transforming lives of Pin@y's especially my own life and our daughters on February 4th, Rod gave birth to his Dissertation. Maybe not the same as the real birth of a child but the painful struggle, constant healing, love and hope of bringing the stories of Pin@ys into academia where they are forgotten. Fusing Critical Hermenutics/Critical Pedagogy/ Memises/Appropriation of Critical Pin@y Educators/Scholars in San Francisco. each time i was asked to edit and read i was emotional each time i saw a transformation in ...