balancing

i think thats the theme of the year. balance. trying to rock steady. its hard.
my typical day looks like this
7am- pump
8am- breakfast, read write, try to keep the house in order
around 8:30-9ish-amianan wakes up/feed her/play with her
10am-try to put amianan down for a nap
11am- get her ready for school
11:30- feed her again
12:15- take her to school
12:30- eat lunch
12:30-4:30 go to the office or go to the school sites and pump in between that
4:45- pick up amianan
5:00- feed her, give her a bath, play time
*if its a monday or wednesday- we have meetings between 6-10*
9-10 get baby down for bed
10:00-if she's sleeping..reading and writing until 2am
2am- go to bed

next day- do it all over again.

i'm starting to realize that this shit ain't easy. balancing mommyhood, wifeyhood, being an academic in the process of getting a doctorate, PEP. with all the crazyness happening in the world on top of that. I lack sleep, i eat a lot, im tired all day long..but i can't complain..
i feel like im blessed with all of this..i just need to take it one day at a time.
right now..my eyes are halfway shut..but i gotta keep on keepin on cause i have 2 papers to finish and hunderds of papers to read. but its ok..im starting to get back in the swing of this academic thing..trying not to lose focus on why im here.
im reading some dope books on my own though..as if i don't have enough to read already--
i just finished reading the art of critical pedagogy, re-read the pedagogy of the oppressed, adn now reading pedagogy of indignation (man this book is good!)
i think i need to read those books so i can stay sane in this program. Education has a discourse that puts asian americans on the model minority tip and it makes me sick. thought i was over that when i got my masters, but it proves to me that this world we live in strives on the grand narrative that colonizes us. sometimes i want to drop the race word in class but i dont know if they ready for that shit yet. cause really..c'mon now. gotta choose my battles and soon enough they'll get it. i almost whipped it out last session on home boy that essentialized immigrants as being so grateful for this opportunity in the US and that they're ALL happy..WTF?! anyway..enough of that. i have so much to say about this experience being in this program. as progressive as this program makes itself out to be, some of the teachers are baliktad!
according to one teacher, people of color are only african americans and latinos. my face was fumin..

so yeah..life as an academic..
balance
gotta study now
peace

producin'

Amianan is 32 weeks old. She's been in day care for almost a month, caught 2-3 colds (they come one after the other) rods and i have been sick each time she gets sick. i've been in school for almost a month.
i realized about a month ago that i haven't been keeping a good supply of breastmilk in the freezer nor have i pumped for a while. i started to freak out when i had to be in school all day on saturdays and half day on sundays and i had to ration out the milk for the weekend and for day care. she hasn't been taking any bottle feedings at day care at all..that means dumping 3 oz a day down the drain.
i also realized that i haven't been producing as much milk as i used to. i would pump a total of 1 oz or less both boobs. i would pump and pump and after a day of pumping i only have about 3oz when amianan probably eats 6 -8 oz.
anyway, i freaked out! cause i want to breastfeed her for as long as i can. i'm hoping for a year. so i called some folks and did some research and they all told me to take fenugreek. rod and i went to gnc and bought a big bottle of it..it was about 13.00. i take 6 a day. 2 after breakfast, lunch and dinner. the first day my boobs became engorged! i was producing so much milk after 72 hours. the pumping is coming along. i pump in the mornings before she wakes up, and in the afternoons when she's in day care. i have about 3-4 oz by the end of the day and its slowly increasing. better than the 1 oz a day! hella milk.. to the point when she eats, there's milk spraying out after she's done. hahaha! that hasnt happend in a long time!
then last night, allyson gave me a big bag of dried seaweed from the korean market and told me to make korean birthday soup. she was told that it helps produce more milk for nursing mothers. she did both fenugreek and birthday soup when she was nursing mahalaya. i'm going to make some tonight and see how that goes.
i'm slowly building a supply in the freezer!
now if she can only take it at the day care. she takes it when she's with rod and allyson. i dunno


This is what we've been up to!
went to raider game vs. 49ers
went to so cal and took the girls to the long beach aquarium
And sac for the PEP retreat and went swimming with the teachers!

creepin and crawlin

so last week amianan did this thing where she would be in crawling position and then started to do push up things where she would look at her feet. then we were playing on the floor and she lunged towards me. since then she crawl/lunges to get her toys or to follow mama and papa. its quite hilarious. she's really fast too! she can get to point a to point b in no time. she can also crawl to the bedroom when we're not looking!
we took her to day care last friday and when we picked her up they were super excited to tell us that amianan is crawling..we all looked at her and she got excited and started doing the crawl lunge towards us. we were hella laughing. rod and i were like..oh she's been doing that for a week now.
i get online with my fams and my mom and sis get a kick outta watching amianan being mobile.
we started baby proofing the cabinets in the kitchen but gave up after cabinet # 4. the bookshelves in the office will soon be attached to the walls. but for now..the office is off limits to baby at all times.
we have to get a new tv stand though cause the one that we have look like mini steps. she can already reach the cable box and turn it off.
this girl!
she's getting sooooo big soooo fast!

Tryin..

Tryin to..
maintain
keep amianan, myself and rod healthy
keep the house clean
read all these articles and keep up with my school work
be a good mama
be a good wife
be a good friend
be a good daughter
be a good sister
be in the classroom more often
support our teachers
be present in my communities
be present with life
laugh more
cry more
shake off some access baby phat
be me....

1st of many

amianan caught her first cold last sunday and is still getting over it. we went to tracy on saturday for my cousins baby shower and amianan seemed fine, but when she woke up in the morning she was super congested and had a fever. i freaked and so did rod. we didn't know what to do. brought out all the books, articles etc and tried to keep her comfortable as possible. we used the suction bulb repeatedly. she hates it! i wish i can just hold a tissue in front of her and ask her to blow..hahah we also had to keep her elevated so she doesn't get an ear infection and it helps her to sleep. the first night was rough. she couldn't sleep and finally at 2am i put her on a pillow and sang open shut them over and over and over and over and she finally fell asleep. i made sure she slept on the pillow all night so she can breath easy. monday, she ran a fever of 100.3. we fed her milk and peaches, carrots, potatoes. and the swing saved us! it kept her elevated so she can breath and it comforted her with songs. she took naps there and got the rest that she needed.
monday tues wed and thurs night, she put herself back on her sleeping schedule. kinda. 7pm-8am or 10pm-8pm then a nap till 10.
all those germs at day care. hella sipon running down all the kids noses. gotta expose them anyway right?
now mommy and papa have colds.
i tried to balance reading, work, and taking care of amianan/the house/the chores/etc..its not easy! its hard as fuck..but we move forward..doing what we can.
i have most of my readings done..im just pysched cause i dont know what to expect in class. did i understand the readings? some. most of them are like "duh" i already know that..maybe i can have fun in class by challenging some of those school administrators..we'll see..

First day @ school

It was amianans first day of school.

rod left for a dcyf meeting at 8am and i had amianan to myself this morning. she slept from 8pm -8am. she's been doing that since we came back from LA. i hope it stays that way for while. i can get homework done at night. after i fed her breakfast, she went back to bed for a morning nap. one of our apt managers knocked on my door around 945 to remind me of the alarm testing. the alarm testing happens once a year, and its the most annoying piercing sound ever. hellaa loud. i had to wake her up and put her in the other room so i can muffle the sound but she woke up during the transfer. i got everything ready for her first day, packed up her food, milk and a batch of magic bullet mashed potatoes i made last night. this girl LOOOOOOOOVEs her patatas!
i tried to cut her nails and my dumb ass used the nail cutters for the first time and cut 3 of her little fingers. they wouldn't stop bleeding. i put pressure on them, washed them, tried to put band aids..nothing workeD! rod came home, and helped get her ready. her fingers kept bleeding that the blood got all over rod and her new clothes. we got out the house and headed to walgreens to get the liquid bandaids but that shit was bootleg. didnt even work. eventually it stopped. we got her to school on time and by the time we got there she was knocked out.
this whole time, i was thinking that we both would cry when i dropped her off, but totally the opposite. i put her in her bed, gave her blanket and book. signed in, put her food away and we were off. i was feeling good about it. rod on the other hand...was sad..
i was able to get my one stop card, tried to buy a book at the bookstore but after looking at that line..i said fuggeddaboutit.
we headed to fcc to do some work. productive typing and reading while pumping.
we worried, missed, thought about amianan
we thought she would be crying when she wakes up not seeing us around
i picked her up and she was getting her diapers changed. she was all smiles..happy to see mommy. she was a good student today. she slept for an hour after i dropped her off, she met new friends, played with them, ate up her mashed patatas but refused her milk and fruit. we were happy
we took her home to give her a bath and then get ready for our pep meeting back at state.
shared river of lifes with folks in PEP and snuck out with michelle ferrer to buy that damn book i needed for class and walked out with a new back pack. got there just in time for closing.
now were home. she didnt get to sleep at 8 instead rod had to sing to her and she fell asleep at 1045. hopefully this doesnt fuck up her schedule.
tomorrow..is studying and going to ccsf for PEP.
vaya con dios

Back in the academic grind

I had my Educational Leadership Orientation last saturday. it was from 9-4. Homegurl Gwen is in my cohort among these chancellors/vice chancellors, principals, abcdefg type folks. It was overwhelming. I kept telling myself that i can do this. that its only 3 long years of my life. then i have my doctorate. i've been through struggle and pain, i can endure another type of struggle. i kept telling myself that the reason why i do this is for amianan and all the young people to have an equitable education. and all day i thought about amianan. how she was doing. if she was crying. if she was hungry. i also missed rod. the 3 of us are so inseperable, that one being out causes major seperation anxiety.

rod had his first day of school that afternoon as well. ninang nikkie watched for a few hours till i picked her up. i have 8 teachers for 3 of my classes. met some folks from my cohort. then i peaced out, picked up amianan, ate dinner, and knocked out.

today was amianans orientation at the day care at sfsu. she got to meet her teachers and classmates. she even rolled around the floor and showed them a few tricks. ninang allyson and manang laya came too. it was amazing seeing other children her age. she's so used to being around college kids that this was a breath of fresh air for rod and i. one of my youth from girlsource has her son in amianans class. i was like..i know you. shantay was one of my first students in my CLP classes. she can spit hot fiyah. her son is adorable. she was 15 when she was in my program, now she's going on 20 with a son and is in prenursing at sfsu. what a small world.

amaians first day of school is on wednesday. i packed her stuff in her cubby and she's ready to go. i just think rod and i arent ready for it. i think amianan knows. our lives are changing so often, i dont know when i can rock steady. but for now, we're riding the waves together as a family. thats how ilocanos roll..represent! ;)