doin the damn thing

my goal is to finish this dissertation by the spring. Right now i'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how i'm going to start this. I've edited and revised my 3 chapters so many times and now it's going through another iteration. i have yet to lock in a proposal defense date and collecting data to finish my last 2 chapters. all of this is on top of being a mother and wife and a full time job. I don't know how i'll get through the next 6 months but i did it the last 3 years..so what's stopping me now.

life..

when you start thinking about death, all you want to do is live. i want to finish this dissertation so i can do the things i've always wanted to do with Amianan and Rod when I was in class, writing, reading, studying locked up in a room somewhere at home, state or at a cafe. I will continue my scholarship after this dissertation but right now, i really want a family vacation with the 3 of us kickin it on an island, boat, little town, somewhere around this world and just do nothing. the 3 of us have gone through way too much and we deserve a little fun. i especially want to be more involved in Amianans school and interests in cooking, animals, and just being a kid. I want her to enjoy what i was able to enjoy with their parents and i don't want to be the parent that was too busy to play with her. I can already see it in Amianans actions and of course her being 2 isn't helping but she understands, she feels, she shows her emotions, and isn't afraid to let me know that she doesn't want me to put her to sleep, that she doesn't love me (ouch), that she wants to do things on her own or by herself...it's been a rough road being a student and mother at the same time but i try my best to make time for the 2 of us to learn and grow together.

rod and i also have baby fever. we walked through target *again* and saw all the baby stuff and both went, awwww..i miss that.., when i played with my nephew logan, i felt that sense of calmness, warmth, and innocence. i really want to have another baby after i finish this dissertation and i know amianan will be such a good manang.

All the plans in the world..so what's stopping me from finishing?? Do the DAMN THING, ARLENE!

a new world

On September 30, 2010, My mother in law- Mama Jean- passed away from brain cancer. Her battle with cancer was short but we didn't know how long she had it.

Rod, Amianan and I were trying to catch a flight out of San Francisco to LA that same day but we were delayed. Even if we made it to LA on time, Mama Jean took her last breath around 8:55 p.m. that night.

When we got to SFO, and saw the delays on the board I started to get frantic. I wanted to get Rod to his mom as soon as I could but everything was going against us. I was texting Denise all day and she was giving us updates on mom and i knew in my heart that mom couldn't wait for us anymore. As much as I prayed that she waited for us to arrive, I also told her to go if it hurts to much. The 4 months that she suffered was too much to witness and i'm sure was too much for Mama Jeans body and spirit.

When Mom collapsed during Rods Graduation, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help but to be there for Rod, Amianan and his family. Rod and Amianan spent most of their summer in Riverside and I flew back and forth from SF-Riverside almost every other week. When I was home in Riverside, it hurt so much to see mom in pain or not remembering who people are. All I knew to do was to help clean up the house, talk to mom when she was awake, lie in bed with her to keep her company and talk it through with Amianan because it was so hard for her to understand the magnitude of the situation. Each time we left Riverside to go back to SF, we said our goodbyes and told her how much we loved her, just in case it was the last time we saw her.

We saw mom on I chat on September 24 and Amianan was able to say hello and sing songs and dance for mom. But the last time we saw mom in person was Labor Day weekend.

After jumping from airline counter to counter trying to get an earlier flight, it wasn't happening. We stood by the gate and i received the text from denise that mom died and i looked at rod and amianan with a heavy heavy heart and i had to tell them. i called rod over and told him the news and i can see his body starting to crumble. I held him tight in a hug and told him how sorry i was..we didn't care about everyone else around us, we just let our emotions show. Amianan felt it in a second that something was wrong and she started to act out. it was hard getting on that plane that night, it was also hard getting into the car for the ride to Riverside Community. I felt anxiety all day trying to get rod to his mom and now trying to get rod to his mom before they took her away. Rod and I were hand in hand walking through the cold hallways of the hospital trying to get to the ICU and our steps finally slowed down when we approached the glass room with people surrounding mama jean. the first person that came to me was Yadi with tears in her eyes, i hugged her and then hugged denise, rich but my eyes were focused on Dad. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him how sorry i was. i passed by everyone else knowing that i would greet them after but i hugged dad and he kept repeating that she was gone and its over now. i felt the floor drop from underneath me as i looked at mom. Rod was at the end of the bed looking at his mom. he came to dad and hugged him tight, put his forhead to his moms and spoke to her quietly. my soul hurt for my family and i kept thinking about amianan waiting downstairs hoping to bring her nana home from the hospital.
I held mama jeans hand and i can feel the coldness and lifelessness of her body. i told her how much i loved her and that i would do my best to be there for the family especially rod and amianan. When we got downstairs Amianan was asking for her Nana and I knew that this was going to be hard but that I had to tell Amianan what was going on and no hide anything from her.

That night, Amianan went to LBC with my parents and I went home with Rod and Dad. It was hard to come back to the house knowing that mama jean will never be there again. My heart broke when my dad in law and rod walked into the quiet house and broke down. I didn't know what to say, i just tried to hold them both.

The Family and i worked hard on the services for mom and everything turned out so beautiful. Mama Jean was a very popular person. She had such a big family and many of them came to California and so many friends. every time i'm with mama jeans family they remind me of her everyday. They all have mama jean in them and it was so good to be around them all. it was also sad to see them leave. I worried a lot about Rod and Amianan, my dad in law, rich and denise and all of mama jeans family. It was hard to leave Riverside and our families.

when we got to SFO and drove home. The sunset looked different, the sky looked different, the smell and sense of being "home" felt different. The world was new. A new chapter in our lives without mama jean physically being here. everything and everyone will be different for awhile..but for now, we tell stories, we look at pictures and videos, we pray, we remember and will never forget how much mama jean has affected us all. and most of all we love each other hard. a lot harder than before and appreciate everything and everyone in our lives.

Rest In Peace, mom
I love you

end of the road..kinda

I'm sitting in my last day of class in Summer 2010 and it finally hit me that today is my last day of doctorate classes! whoooo hooooo!

i went through 6 semesters of classes in 2 years..year round schooling..tons of papers, readings, connections with awesome people and here I am..about to board a plane to LBC to finally reunite with my Asawa and ubing..

just a few more hurdles before Graduation 2011!!!

1. Dissertation Proposal
   
2. Data Collection
3. Dissertation Writing
4. Dissertation Defense

and i'm shooting for a full draft by the end of February 2011!!!

let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Survial

I'm sitting on my mom in laws favorite part of the couch while Rod sleeps next to me with wrestling on the new tv we bought dad. Amianan is upstairs sleeping in her papa's childhood room, and mom and dad sleep in their bedroom downstairs. It hit me hard today..the fact that mom is really sick and that it may be terminal. I keep thinking of Rod, Amianan, Dad, Rich, Denise and all of our families mixed with the future and what it will look like.

While I was putting Aming to sleep, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and I started to cry. Amianan put her arm around my neck and told me, "Be happy Mama, don't be sad, don't worry mama" I can tell mom is happy when Amianan is around, but I can see it in her eyes that she's sad that she can't get up and dance with her, play with her and sing songs with her. It breaks my heart each time is see mom. I miss her stories, her dirty jokes, her feisty-ness..

but I also think of the survivors and that gives me hope. Even when medicine says there's no other way, there are times when they were proven wrong. I hope and pray they are wrong...

sight

through vivid dreams
they come...

through moments of despair and hopelessness
they come..

through peace and love
they come..

through my child
they come..

sailing through calm waters
where the moon shines in between
fog and dreams
they come..

messages of
life after death while walking the earth
love to loved ones

anticipating moments of when
sight becomes reality
awkwardly finding its place in my universe.

losing sight
while unsteadily rocking
through life with the constant battle of time

this is a reminder to see
to allow this to be part of me
to open myself up again and be vulnerable
allow them to come
and not be afraid
to speak
when i feel censored
to those who don't believe

to see
to dream
to listen
to move
freely

a blessing or a curse?
a sight of ones own death?
a dream of my child growing inside?
a sight of a love lost?
a dream of messages to be told to the living?
a sight of ones own death?
own...
losing sight so i won't be able to see
completely
afraid of the outcome

allow me to see
fearlessly

birth

I want to dedicate this blog to my asawa, Roderick









5 years ago, Rod was accepted to USF in the School Education for his Educational Doctorate

He went into it knowing that he ultimately wants his own classroom, teaching.
I witnessed the struggle and survival to achieve this goal.
Endless reading, writing and critical thinking.
Working, teaching and starting and raising a family
Finding self over and over again
Redefining self over and over again
along the way mentoring and transforming lives of Pin@y's
especially my own life and our daughters

on February 4th, Rod gave birth to his Dissertation.
Maybe not the same as the real birth of a child
but the painful struggle, constant healing, love and hope of bringing the stories of Pin@ys into academia where they are forgotten. Fusing Critical Hermenutics/Critical Pedagogy/ Memises/Appropriation of Critical Pin@y Educators/Scholars in San Francisco.

each time i was asked to edit and read
i was emotional each time
i saw a transformation in him
writing, thought, analysis, his world view
his growth as a scholar
and how that growth transcends as his role of being a
father
husband
manong
ading
son
friend
brother

This May, he will walk across the stage as Dr. Roderick Daus-Magbual
Manong Rod, is what his students call him
knowing Rod, he is taking his ancestors/families/communities as he crosses that stage
this indeed, is a community graduation

Although we are in a budget crisis and that positions in higher education are being taken away from people of color/critical pin@y scholars and classes are being closed for students
we have a community that will help you get to where you need to be
in a classroom
transforming lives
society
disrupting the system
praxis


critical hope
critical love

inspiration

thank you,
for inspiring other Doctorate students
for inspiring students to achieve their dreams
for your service in the community while being in the academy

Dua

A year since my last post and I'm wondering why I'm not writing anything outside of academia.

A year later, I'm a different person

A year later, my anak is 2
A year later, i'm married to my heart for 3 years
A year later, i'm in my 2nd year of my doctorate program
A year later, i'm finding self with others
A year later, i love harder than before

New Year

so, it's been about 4 months since my last post. everything is pretty much the same except i'm in winter break and i'm anxious about going back to school next weekend.
amianan is turning 1 in a few weeks
i need to plan her celebration
going back to lbc in 2 weeks
more readings
more writing
more everything

balancing

i think thats the theme of the year. balance. trying to rock steady. its hard.
my typical day looks like this
7am- pump
8am- breakfast, read write, try to keep the house in order
around 8:30-9ish-amianan wakes up/feed her/play with her
10am-try to put amianan down for a nap
11am- get her ready for school
11:30- feed her again
12:15- take her to school
12:30- eat lunch
12:30-4:30 go to the office or go to the school sites and pump in between that
4:45- pick up amianan
5:00- feed her, give her a bath, play time
*if its a monday or wednesday- we have meetings between 6-10*
9-10 get baby down for bed
10:00-if she's sleeping..reading and writing until 2am
2am- go to bed

next day- do it all over again.

i'm starting to realize that this shit ain't easy. balancing mommyhood, wifeyhood, being an academic in the process of getting a doctorate, PEP. with all the crazyness happening in the world on top of that. I lack sleep, i eat a lot, im tired all day long..but i can't complain..
i feel like im blessed with all of this..i just need to take it one day at a time.
right now..my eyes are halfway shut..but i gotta keep on keepin on cause i have 2 papers to finish and hunderds of papers to read. but its ok..im starting to get back in the swing of this academic thing..trying not to lose focus on why im here.
im reading some dope books on my own though..as if i don't have enough to read already--
i just finished reading the art of critical pedagogy, re-read the pedagogy of the oppressed, adn now reading pedagogy of indignation (man this book is good!)
i think i need to read those books so i can stay sane in this program. Education has a discourse that puts asian americans on the model minority tip and it makes me sick. thought i was over that when i got my masters, but it proves to me that this world we live in strives on the grand narrative that colonizes us. sometimes i want to drop the race word in class but i dont know if they ready for that shit yet. cause really..c'mon now. gotta choose my battles and soon enough they'll get it. i almost whipped it out last session on home boy that essentialized immigrants as being so grateful for this opportunity in the US and that they're ALL happy..WTF?! anyway..enough of that. i have so much to say about this experience being in this program. as progressive as this program makes itself out to be, some of the teachers are baliktad!
according to one teacher, people of color are only african americans and latinos. my face was fumin..

so yeah..life as an academic..
balance
gotta study now
peace

producin'

Amianan is 32 weeks old. She's been in day care for almost a month, caught 2-3 colds (they come one after the other) rods and i have been sick each time she gets sick. i've been in school for almost a month.
i realized about a month ago that i haven't been keeping a good supply of breastmilk in the freezer nor have i pumped for a while. i started to freak out when i had to be in school all day on saturdays and half day on sundays and i had to ration out the milk for the weekend and for day care. she hasn't been taking any bottle feedings at day care at all..that means dumping 3 oz a day down the drain.
i also realized that i haven't been producing as much milk as i used to. i would pump a total of 1 oz or less both boobs. i would pump and pump and after a day of pumping i only have about 3oz when amianan probably eats 6 -8 oz.
anyway, i freaked out! cause i want to breastfeed her for as long as i can. i'm hoping for a year. so i called some folks and did some research and they all told me to take fenugreek. rod and i went to gnc and bought a big bottle of it..it was about 13.00. i take 6 a day. 2 after breakfast, lunch and dinner. the first day my boobs became engorged! i was producing so much milk after 72 hours. the pumping is coming along. i pump in the mornings before she wakes up, and in the afternoons when she's in day care. i have about 3-4 oz by the end of the day and its slowly increasing. better than the 1 oz a day! hella milk.. to the point when she eats, there's milk spraying out after she's done. hahaha! that hasnt happend in a long time!
then last night, allyson gave me a big bag of dried seaweed from the korean market and told me to make korean birthday soup. she was told that it helps produce more milk for nursing mothers. she did both fenugreek and birthday soup when she was nursing mahalaya. i'm going to make some tonight and see how that goes.
i'm slowly building a supply in the freezer!
now if she can only take it at the day care. she takes it when she's with rod and allyson. i dunno


This is what we've been up to!
went to raider game vs. 49ers
went to so cal and took the girls to the long beach aquarium
And sac for the PEP retreat and went swimming with the teachers!

creepin and crawlin

so last week amianan did this thing where she would be in crawling position and then started to do push up things where she would look at her feet. then we were playing on the floor and she lunged towards me. since then she crawl/lunges to get her toys or to follow mama and papa. its quite hilarious. she's really fast too! she can get to point a to point b in no time. she can also crawl to the bedroom when we're not looking!
we took her to day care last friday and when we picked her up they were super excited to tell us that amianan is crawling..we all looked at her and she got excited and started doing the crawl lunge towards us. we were hella laughing. rod and i were like..oh she's been doing that for a week now.
i get online with my fams and my mom and sis get a kick outta watching amianan being mobile.
we started baby proofing the cabinets in the kitchen but gave up after cabinet # 4. the bookshelves in the office will soon be attached to the walls. but for now..the office is off limits to baby at all times.
we have to get a new tv stand though cause the one that we have look like mini steps. she can already reach the cable box and turn it off.
this girl!
she's getting sooooo big soooo fast!

Tryin..

Tryin to..
maintain
keep amianan, myself and rod healthy
keep the house clean
read all these articles and keep up with my school work
be a good mama
be a good wife
be a good friend
be a good daughter
be a good sister
be in the classroom more often
support our teachers
be present in my communities
be present with life
laugh more
cry more
shake off some access baby phat
be me....

1st of many

amianan caught her first cold last sunday and is still getting over it. we went to tracy on saturday for my cousins baby shower and amianan seemed fine, but when she woke up in the morning she was super congested and had a fever. i freaked and so did rod. we didn't know what to do. brought out all the books, articles etc and tried to keep her comfortable as possible. we used the suction bulb repeatedly. she hates it! i wish i can just hold a tissue in front of her and ask her to blow..hahah we also had to keep her elevated so she doesn't get an ear infection and it helps her to sleep. the first night was rough. she couldn't sleep and finally at 2am i put her on a pillow and sang open shut them over and over and over and over and she finally fell asleep. i made sure she slept on the pillow all night so she can breath easy. monday, she ran a fever of 100.3. we fed her milk and peaches, carrots, potatoes. and the swing saved us! it kept her elevated so she can breath and it comforted her with songs. she took naps there and got the rest that she needed.
monday tues wed and thurs night, she put herself back on her sleeping schedule. kinda. 7pm-8am or 10pm-8pm then a nap till 10.
all those germs at day care. hella sipon running down all the kids noses. gotta expose them anyway right?
now mommy and papa have colds.
i tried to balance reading, work, and taking care of amianan/the house/the chores/etc..its not easy! its hard as fuck..but we move forward..doing what we can.
i have most of my readings done..im just pysched cause i dont know what to expect in class. did i understand the readings? some. most of them are like "duh" i already know that..maybe i can have fun in class by challenging some of those school administrators..we'll see..

First day @ school

It was amianans first day of school.

rod left for a dcyf meeting at 8am and i had amianan to myself this morning. she slept from 8pm -8am. she's been doing that since we came back from LA. i hope it stays that way for while. i can get homework done at night. after i fed her breakfast, she went back to bed for a morning nap. one of our apt managers knocked on my door around 945 to remind me of the alarm testing. the alarm testing happens once a year, and its the most annoying piercing sound ever. hellaa loud. i had to wake her up and put her in the other room so i can muffle the sound but she woke up during the transfer. i got everything ready for her first day, packed up her food, milk and a batch of magic bullet mashed potatoes i made last night. this girl LOOOOOOOOVEs her patatas!
i tried to cut her nails and my dumb ass used the nail cutters for the first time and cut 3 of her little fingers. they wouldn't stop bleeding. i put pressure on them, washed them, tried to put band aids..nothing workeD! rod came home, and helped get her ready. her fingers kept bleeding that the blood got all over rod and her new clothes. we got out the house and headed to walgreens to get the liquid bandaids but that shit was bootleg. didnt even work. eventually it stopped. we got her to school on time and by the time we got there she was knocked out.
this whole time, i was thinking that we both would cry when i dropped her off, but totally the opposite. i put her in her bed, gave her blanket and book. signed in, put her food away and we were off. i was feeling good about it. rod on the other hand...was sad..
i was able to get my one stop card, tried to buy a book at the bookstore but after looking at that line..i said fuggeddaboutit.
we headed to fcc to do some work. productive typing and reading while pumping.
we worried, missed, thought about amianan
we thought she would be crying when she wakes up not seeing us around
i picked her up and she was getting her diapers changed. she was all smiles..happy to see mommy. she was a good student today. she slept for an hour after i dropped her off, she met new friends, played with them, ate up her mashed patatas but refused her milk and fruit. we were happy
we took her home to give her a bath and then get ready for our pep meeting back at state.
shared river of lifes with folks in PEP and snuck out with michelle ferrer to buy that damn book i needed for class and walked out with a new back pack. got there just in time for closing.
now were home. she didnt get to sleep at 8 instead rod had to sing to her and she fell asleep at 1045. hopefully this doesnt fuck up her schedule.
tomorrow..is studying and going to ccsf for PEP.
vaya con dios

Back in the academic grind

I had my Educational Leadership Orientation last saturday. it was from 9-4. Homegurl Gwen is in my cohort among these chancellors/vice chancellors, principals, abcdefg type folks. It was overwhelming. I kept telling myself that i can do this. that its only 3 long years of my life. then i have my doctorate. i've been through struggle and pain, i can endure another type of struggle. i kept telling myself that the reason why i do this is for amianan and all the young people to have an equitable education. and all day i thought about amianan. how she was doing. if she was crying. if she was hungry. i also missed rod. the 3 of us are so inseperable, that one being out causes major seperation anxiety.

rod had his first day of school that afternoon as well. ninang nikkie watched for a few hours till i picked her up. i have 8 teachers for 3 of my classes. met some folks from my cohort. then i peaced out, picked up amianan, ate dinner, and knocked out.

today was amianans orientation at the day care at sfsu. she got to meet her teachers and classmates. she even rolled around the floor and showed them a few tricks. ninang allyson and manang laya came too. it was amazing seeing other children her age. she's so used to being around college kids that this was a breath of fresh air for rod and i. one of my youth from girlsource has her son in amianans class. i was like..i know you. shantay was one of my first students in my CLP classes. she can spit hot fiyah. her son is adorable. she was 15 when she was in my program, now she's going on 20 with a son and is in prenursing at sfsu. what a small world.

amaians first day of school is on wednesday. i packed her stuff in her cubby and she's ready to go. i just think rod and i arent ready for it. i think amianan knows. our lives are changing so often, i dont know when i can rock steady. but for now, we're riding the waves together as a family. thats how ilocanos roll..represent! ;)

Sacramento

We had our fall 2008 PEP retreat in sac this past weekend. it was coooooool! i felt so relaxed. there was not one time where i felt stressed out. just a little i guess. but thats about it. i think it was when we went swimming at the cabana on friday. it was amianans first time in the pool. she cried at first but after a while she got used to it. she watched the other kids swim and she was chillen. i wasnt sure when to change those swimmer diapers, feed her, i guess it was just anxiety. other than that, amianan was good the whole weekend. it was tiring for sure. but i was able to let loose with the teachers this weekend. everyone plays with amianan..and mahalaya was so cute with her too. but on the way home, amianan cried from sac to vacaville. she wouldnt stop. we stopped to feed her then after a few minutes she knocked out. jocyl and i slept all the way to daly city. poor thing! we didnt get home 10pm.

we got back and i unpacked and repacked for our 830 am flight.

woke up at 6am, out the door by 705 and into sfo by 715. we had enough time to grab a breakfast sandwhich and a decaf. when we were in the plane, we had to wait for 20 minutes and amianan would not stop crying. she was crying soooo bad. for 40 minutes. i changed her 3 times, fed her and she still cried. of course we got the looks, and the guy in front who kept putting his headphones closer to his ears. but whatever.i didnt give a flying fuck! they can kiss my ass.

i finally got her in a cradle position and she fell asleep the whole ride until we landed. i bjorned her and we were on our way. rods parents picked us up and we went straight to riverside. she loves it here...laughs, sleeps, play. the 3 of us felt relaxed now that we're on vacation. we went to red lobster last night with the family and the dagdagans. then today the 3 of us went to cabazon. bought our moms dooney bags and i finally gave in and bought me a coach sling purse. had to have one. so i dont have to put my wallet, sunglasses, camera and phone in her diaper bag. its like 10 lbs heavier..so with a sling purse, i can sling it over my shoulder and not worry about putting it down when i change her diaper. i almost left a purse in the bathroom and thats when i started sharing amianans diaper bag.

tomorrow, we'll be going to lakewood to spend time with my fams and go to mai tais, take amianan to the aquarium and chill. we go back up friday night and i have orientation and rod has his first day of class!
yeah
more to
come

raiders & grandparents!

my folks and sis were town this weekend. They came friday afternoon, but we already planned on tailgating for the raider game and watching it at 7pm. it was the raiders vs. the 49'ers and amianans introduction to football. she had her raiderette outfit on. she was soo cute. but she was really cranky during the game. it was cold and i didn't come to prepared for her. she was scared from all the noise whenever the raiders scored. there was a fan next to us who introduced himself and gave amianan $5.00. he said it was tradition in his family to give a baby money when they first meet. its good luck. sure was cause the raiders won that night! there was a younger 49ers fan close to us too. little boy all in red! but he didnt get any money. i was about to beat some people up though..nikkie and i took amianan to the bathroom to change her wet diaper and when we got out of the bathroom, half time just started! so a flood of people came into the hall ways. it was so hard to get to our seats. the baby was crying so bad, i was shaking trying to protect her, nikkie was trying to lead the way and block people and some fans tried to help us. by the time we got to our seats i was about to lose it. i started crying and hugging the baby. crazy drunk people. im never changing her during half time! 3rd quarter amianan and i watched the game on a monitor by the top of the stairs. we won! we left when the 4th quarter started so we can beat the traffic and get the baby home to play with her grandparents and auntie.

auntie michelle went to a wedding on saturday and grandma and grandpa watched amianan while we went on a date. we watched dark knight! it was soooo bad ass! i love that movie. it was good to go out and just be couple..but i realllllly missed amianan. i kept thinking about her and i missed her soo much! i came home and the baby was asleep. she drank 4 oz of milk and ate arroz caldo. she woke up once i got in the room. but its ok..i hugged her a lot and gave her kisses ;)
she fell asleep at midnight though..not good.

sunday morning we all watched the usa vs china basketball game and grandpa took amianan out on a walk around the block. they came back in half an hour and she was asleep. they left at noon and rod, amianan, jocyl and i went to pistahan for a while to check out the bayanihan stage. it was a nice sunny day to be out.

we got home and worked worked worked on our lesson plans for sfusd.!

Third world baby food

So i've been feeding amianan all sorts of jarred baby food and she hates it. she eats a little cause its different then refuses to eat it. she also hates rice cereal. i try to be patient with her and sit with her to eat... but i dunno. i've been trying earths best and the sweet potato is aiight but the peas and carrots..YUCK! i can't blame her. she's probaly thinking the same thing. i also gave her apples in a jar. yuck too. so i was like fuck it i'll buy some bananas and avocados. easy to make. just smoosh it add a little breastmilk cool.. she likes the bananas but i had to stop giving it to her cause she hasn't taken a shit since last tuesday.

so i've been researching all sorts of stuff online. and i found an article that was talking about how there is a western bias on how to feed babies. there is no scientific study as to why you should feed your baby rice cereal first, or that if you start your babies on sweet food they would have a sweet tooth and refuse the bland stuff. then i see a show on parent tv and this lady made sweet potatos with pears and added paprika. she said that your baby ate all sorts of stuff when she was in the womb and tastes everything from your milk that it shouldnt hurt your baby. so00000 many contradications. who's right, whos wrong?

so i decided to call my cousin julie. my god daugher jaelyn is 4 and she eats everything. all filipino food, she looooves fruits and veggies. anything you give her, she will eat it. i asked julie what kind of baby food did she feed jaelyn and with attitude she said. BABY FOOD?! what baby food? have you tried that shit. that shit is nasty. you would give that to your baby? i was like . ummmm i already did. then she went on about her parents never buying baby food and that she just ate whatever mom cooked. she did the same with jaelyn. she only gave her rice cereal in the morning, but with lunch and dinner, it was rice (rice cooker rice)with some sort of soup with it. and when jae got older, julie would add the chicken or fish.

then i thought about it. relatives in the barrio of the phils don't have food processesors and fancy ice cube trays, baby bowls and spoons, shit, they dont have 99% of the bullshit i relay on everyday. why am i trippin about what i feed my child? i know this is my first baby and i want to make sure i do everything right but what is right? whos standards? western ideals? am i conforming to what so called experts say? most of these experts are not 3rd world women of color. they don't talk about the "ethnic" way to raise a child.

so i really really thought about it. what can i feed amianan? what would she like? rod and i can cook some mean ilocano food (without patis and bagoong cause i'm allergic) we dont put hella salt on our food. we dont eat too much sugar here cause rods diabetic. we eat really healthy in our household. i was thinking of sinigang, sotanghon, arroz caldo, (all sodium free of course)..amianan would love that. i can also do fruits..mangos, bananas, papaya, peaches

today, nikkie, amianan and i went to Karilangan in South City and i thought i would give it a try. we ordered sampalok with chicken..YUM..i got a little bowl, put the sabao and rice..let it sit and i tried to smash up the rice but it was too hard. so i scooped up some soup can let amianan have a little taste. her face was funny cause it was a little sour, but she kept smacking her gums after like she was trying to figure out what that taste was. then she kept reaching towards the bowl and kept saying mum mum. i gave her little by little. they i ate then nikkie fed her a little. she LOVED IT! but i had to stop cause i didnt want to give her a stomach ache.

i'll still see if she would take some baby food, but i'm making it this time. and filipino food..yum..this will force us to cook rather than eating out all the time.

i'll read the books and i'll use their advice as guidelines..or take the best and leave the rest kinda deal..but really..who are they writing these books for?

NAPA, CA

The family took a trip to NAPA last weekend for our PEP BOD retreat. It was at Lolo dans office. I recruited Nikkie to watch the girls. Amianan played with siena, jaden and mahalaya. i can't
imagine what amianan will be like at their age. they were so cute. nikkie had the girls make princess crowns, bracelets, play games, go outside. she chased after the older girls and bjorned amianan. amianan loves her auntie nikkie!










The Dawn, Allyson, Laya, April and the fams stayed the night in NAPA and in the morning we all got our massage on at st. petes. the ladies had massages while rod watched amianan and mahalaya. after i was done, he went in for his. amianan was asleep the whole time i watched her. she loves her afternoon naps with mom. the massage was alright. i've had better. i just imagined myself back on the cliff in jamaica with rod getting a message. their oil stunk so i had to wash that off in the bathroom before i fed amianan.
Then we ate at the Oxbow public market. had some mini corndogs, sweet potatoe fries, wisconsin burger and some good napa beer. amianan wasn't too fussy this weekend. she was really cool. she cried for 10 mintues while i was in the shower cause she was hungry and sleepy. but that was about it.













This was a picture in front of the market. rod and i used to take pics of ourselves with the camera for the longest time. now we have a third person in our crew..such a trip











THis is Amianan eating her roobies. she's funny. she puts anything in her mouth










Rod and the girls. Mahalaya likes to wake up Amianan when rods not looking. When amianan wakes up, Mahalya says, Amianan woke up on her own with a little smirk. its super cute..hahaha i caught her touching amianas cheeks while she was sleeping then amianan would wake up. mahalaya is such a good manang to amianan.










Amianan started to eat solid food last friday. she started with organic sweet potatoes. I went to babies r us to get her diapers and i ended up buying all sorts of bullshit. i bought her a bumbo chair, diapers, ointment, more breast sheilds, then i was at the food section and i wanted to see if they had a magic bullet so i can make her food but they didnt. so i ran into earths best organic baby food. the veggie w/water. i bought a starter pack to see how she would do with them and so far she likes the sweet potatoes and peas. the next one will be carrots. after the starter ones im going to start making them. along with some filipino food ;) anyone know where i can find the magic bullet?

amianan is almost sitting on her own and she rolls all over the place. she loves her crib though. she's funny when she puts herself to sleep. she would just lay down, play with her blocks for a bit then fall asleep suckin on her lips. is if there is a soosoo there..hahah
i love amianan ;0











This is amianan tanning at Great America water park hahaha

Midnight sun part tatlo

Our Last Day in Alaska (Sunday, July 7, 2008)
We packed early in the morning so we can have a day of gallivanting around with my aunt and uncle.

Wildberry park: our first stop. my sister was craving chocolates and she bought $75 worth of it. the white chocolate caramel almonds are to die for!

Flattop mountain: we drove up a windy road to the foot of flattop. you see so many hikers going to the top. we didnt bring any gear and we didnt have 2 hours to spare to hike up and down that thing. right when we got into the parking lot we saw a 8 foot tall moose on the right and it seemed to look right at us and then started to charge towards the van. OH SHIT!..then it ran right behind us..close call. they are known to kill more people than bears!
at the view point, you can see all of anchorage. we took funny pictures. amianan was crashed out in the van with my aunt the whole time.

Beluga Point: we were driving south of anchorage on this beautiful road to portage. we stopped at Beluga point where you can peep some white beluga whales. that songs been in my head ever since. i sing it to Amianan everyday and she calms down. we looked through FREE telescopes and i spotted a take and a snort of water. it was cool. again, amianan was crashed out in the van with grandma

on the way to portage- yeah i know its illegal, but amianan woke up and she was hella crying. i had to take her out of the carseat to feed her while we drove. we couldn't spare any time cause our flight was at 1am and it was already 3pm. i put her back in the car seat and my sister and i were looking out the window at the waterfalls from the snow ontop of the mountains. then all of a sudden my uncle hit the brakes REALLY HARD! the van skidded for atleast 20 feet and when i looked to the front of the van. i saw this 9 foot moose ass right in front of the van. i also heard this bitch ass scream of OOOOOOHHH SHIIIIT!..coming from rod of course. hahah the mooses ass was as high as van. i guess it was running across the street with its baby moose and the baby moose hesitated to cross so the mama moose stopped right in front of us and ran. that was a close ass call. it was a 2 way highway and there were hella cars behind us. rod loves telling this story.

Aleyeska Resort- this place has good snowboarding. when we go back..we're going here to hit the slopes. we also stopped at the jade co. factory and got away with some jade necklaces, and earrings. kinda pricey but alaska is known for jade.

portage glacier. we were able to see the glacier from a distance and you can tell it was melting away. pieces of glaciers were in the bay and we were able to take pics with them. they are sooo blue..

alaska is an amazing state. if you ever want to feel relaxed..fish, camp, snowboard..see 22 hours of sunlight or 22 hours of moonlight.

Art Sudarias house: our last stop. we went to my uncles house. (moms first cousin) they have a daughter named Arlene Sudaria. hahha! they cooked us up some rib eye steak, korean bbq, clam and salmon ceviche, tinapa, more salmon. man..i ate soo much there..=) my relatives know how to cook! it was cool. the younger cousins came over, some more aunts and we ate, talked, and had the younger ones sing for us. it was fun. i wish we stayed for another day just to see more of alaska beauty. my uncles packed 2 50 lbs boxes of wild king salmon. my mom and i had one box each to bring home and give away. once we got back i gutted and cut 2 salmons. im officially sick of it..for now.

i'll never forget our first family trip outside of cali, our family in achorage, the kadwas from FANHS and what i got out of the conference. Anchorage holds a special place in my own Filipin@ american narrative and for some reason it felt as if i was seeing alaska through my grandparents eyes.


















the salmon that we brought home 50lbs of it.




Wildberry chocolate