doin the damn thing

my goal is to finish this dissertation by the spring. Right now i'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how i'm going to start this. I've edited and revised my 3 chapters so many times and now it's going through another iteration. i have yet to lock in a proposal defense date and collecting data to finish my last 2 chapters. all of this is on top of being a mother and wife and a full time job. I don't know how i'll get through the next 6 months but i did it the last 3 years..so what's stopping me now.

life..

when you start thinking about death, all you want to do is live. i want to finish this dissertation so i can do the things i've always wanted to do with Amianan and Rod when I was in class, writing, reading, studying locked up in a room somewhere at home, state or at a cafe. I will continue my scholarship after this dissertation but right now, i really want a family vacation with the 3 of us kickin it on an island, boat, little town, somewhere around this world and just do nothing. the 3 of us have gone through way too much and we deserve a little fun. i especially want to be more involved in Amianans school and interests in cooking, animals, and just being a kid. I want her to enjoy what i was able to enjoy with their parents and i don't want to be the parent that was too busy to play with her. I can already see it in Amianans actions and of course her being 2 isn't helping but she understands, she feels, she shows her emotions, and isn't afraid to let me know that she doesn't want me to put her to sleep, that she doesn't love me (ouch), that she wants to do things on her own or by herself...it's been a rough road being a student and mother at the same time but i try my best to make time for the 2 of us to learn and grow together.

rod and i also have baby fever. we walked through target *again* and saw all the baby stuff and both went, awwww..i miss that.., when i played with my nephew logan, i felt that sense of calmness, warmth, and innocence. i really want to have another baby after i finish this dissertation and i know amianan will be such a good manang.

All the plans in the world..so what's stopping me from finishing?? Do the DAMN THING, ARLENE!

a new world

On September 30, 2010, My mother in law- Mama Jean- passed away from brain cancer. Her battle with cancer was short but we didn't know how long she had it.

Rod, Amianan and I were trying to catch a flight out of San Francisco to LA that same day but we were delayed. Even if we made it to LA on time, Mama Jean took her last breath around 8:55 p.m. that night.

When we got to SFO, and saw the delays on the board I started to get frantic. I wanted to get Rod to his mom as soon as I could but everything was going against us. I was texting Denise all day and she was giving us updates on mom and i knew in my heart that mom couldn't wait for us anymore. As much as I prayed that she waited for us to arrive, I also told her to go if it hurts to much. The 4 months that she suffered was too much to witness and i'm sure was too much for Mama Jeans body and spirit.

When Mom collapsed during Rods Graduation, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help but to be there for Rod, Amianan and his family. Rod and Amianan spent most of their summer in Riverside and I flew back and forth from SF-Riverside almost every other week. When I was home in Riverside, it hurt so much to see mom in pain or not remembering who people are. All I knew to do was to help clean up the house, talk to mom when she was awake, lie in bed with her to keep her company and talk it through with Amianan because it was so hard for her to understand the magnitude of the situation. Each time we left Riverside to go back to SF, we said our goodbyes and told her how much we loved her, just in case it was the last time we saw her.

We saw mom on I chat on September 24 and Amianan was able to say hello and sing songs and dance for mom. But the last time we saw mom in person was Labor Day weekend.

After jumping from airline counter to counter trying to get an earlier flight, it wasn't happening. We stood by the gate and i received the text from denise that mom died and i looked at rod and amianan with a heavy heavy heart and i had to tell them. i called rod over and told him the news and i can see his body starting to crumble. I held him tight in a hug and told him how sorry i was..we didn't care about everyone else around us, we just let our emotions show. Amianan felt it in a second that something was wrong and she started to act out. it was hard getting on that plane that night, it was also hard getting into the car for the ride to Riverside Community. I felt anxiety all day trying to get rod to his mom and now trying to get rod to his mom before they took her away. Rod and I were hand in hand walking through the cold hallways of the hospital trying to get to the ICU and our steps finally slowed down when we approached the glass room with people surrounding mama jean. the first person that came to me was Yadi with tears in her eyes, i hugged her and then hugged denise, rich but my eyes were focused on Dad. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him how sorry i was. i passed by everyone else knowing that i would greet them after but i hugged dad and he kept repeating that she was gone and its over now. i felt the floor drop from underneath me as i looked at mom. Rod was at the end of the bed looking at his mom. he came to dad and hugged him tight, put his forhead to his moms and spoke to her quietly. my soul hurt for my family and i kept thinking about amianan waiting downstairs hoping to bring her nana home from the hospital.
I held mama jeans hand and i can feel the coldness and lifelessness of her body. i told her how much i loved her and that i would do my best to be there for the family especially rod and amianan. When we got downstairs Amianan was asking for her Nana and I knew that this was going to be hard but that I had to tell Amianan what was going on and no hide anything from her.

That night, Amianan went to LBC with my parents and I went home with Rod and Dad. It was hard to come back to the house knowing that mama jean will never be there again. My heart broke when my dad in law and rod walked into the quiet house and broke down. I didn't know what to say, i just tried to hold them both.

The Family and i worked hard on the services for mom and everything turned out so beautiful. Mama Jean was a very popular person. She had such a big family and many of them came to California and so many friends. every time i'm with mama jeans family they remind me of her everyday. They all have mama jean in them and it was so good to be around them all. it was also sad to see them leave. I worried a lot about Rod and Amianan, my dad in law, rich and denise and all of mama jeans family. It was hard to leave Riverside and our families.

when we got to SFO and drove home. The sunset looked different, the sky looked different, the smell and sense of being "home" felt different. The world was new. A new chapter in our lives without mama jean physically being here. everything and everyone will be different for awhile..but for now, we tell stories, we look at pictures and videos, we pray, we remember and will never forget how much mama jean has affected us all. and most of all we love each other hard. a lot harder than before and appreciate everything and everyone in our lives.

Rest In Peace, mom
I love you

end of the road..kinda

I'm sitting in my last day of class in Summer 2010 and it finally hit me that today is my last day of doctorate classes! whoooo hooooo!

i went through 6 semesters of classes in 2 years..year round schooling..tons of papers, readings, connections with awesome people and here I am..about to board a plane to LBC to finally reunite with my Asawa and ubing..

just a few more hurdles before Graduation 2011!!!

1. Dissertation Proposal
   
2. Data Collection
3. Dissertation Writing
4. Dissertation Defense

and i'm shooting for a full draft by the end of February 2011!!!

let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Survial

I'm sitting on my mom in laws favorite part of the couch while Rod sleeps next to me with wrestling on the new tv we bought dad. Amianan is upstairs sleeping in her papa's childhood room, and mom and dad sleep in their bedroom downstairs. It hit me hard today..the fact that mom is really sick and that it may be terminal. I keep thinking of Rod, Amianan, Dad, Rich, Denise and all of our families mixed with the future and what it will look like.

While I was putting Aming to sleep, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and I started to cry. Amianan put her arm around my neck and told me, "Be happy Mama, don't be sad, don't worry mama" I can tell mom is happy when Amianan is around, but I can see it in her eyes that she's sad that she can't get up and dance with her, play with her and sing songs with her. It breaks my heart each time is see mom. I miss her stories, her dirty jokes, her feisty-ness..

but I also think of the survivors and that gives me hope. Even when medicine says there's no other way, there are times when they were proven wrong. I hope and pray they are wrong...

sight

through vivid dreams
they come...

through moments of despair and hopelessness
they come..

through peace and love
they come..

through my child
they come..

sailing through calm waters
where the moon shines in between
fog and dreams
they come..

messages of
life after death while walking the earth
love to loved ones

anticipating moments of when
sight becomes reality
awkwardly finding its place in my universe.

losing sight
while unsteadily rocking
through life with the constant battle of time

this is a reminder to see
to allow this to be part of me
to open myself up again and be vulnerable
allow them to come
and not be afraid
to speak
when i feel censored
to those who don't believe

to see
to dream
to listen
to move
freely

a blessing or a curse?
a sight of ones own death?
a dream of my child growing inside?
a sight of a love lost?
a dream of messages to be told to the living?
a sight of ones own death?
own...
losing sight so i won't be able to see
completely
afraid of the outcome

allow me to see
fearlessly

birth

I want to dedicate this blog to my asawa, Roderick









5 years ago, Rod was accepted to USF in the School Education for his Educational Doctorate

He went into it knowing that he ultimately wants his own classroom, teaching.
I witnessed the struggle and survival to achieve this goal.
Endless reading, writing and critical thinking.
Working, teaching and starting and raising a family
Finding self over and over again
Redefining self over and over again
along the way mentoring and transforming lives of Pin@y's
especially my own life and our daughters

on February 4th, Rod gave birth to his Dissertation.
Maybe not the same as the real birth of a child
but the painful struggle, constant healing, love and hope of bringing the stories of Pin@ys into academia where they are forgotten. Fusing Critical Hermenutics/Critical Pedagogy/ Memises/Appropriation of Critical Pin@y Educators/Scholars in San Francisco.

each time i was asked to edit and read
i was emotional each time
i saw a transformation in him
writing, thought, analysis, his world view
his growth as a scholar
and how that growth transcends as his role of being a
father
husband
manong
ading
son
friend
brother

This May, he will walk across the stage as Dr. Roderick Daus-Magbual
Manong Rod, is what his students call him
knowing Rod, he is taking his ancestors/families/communities as he crosses that stage
this indeed, is a community graduation

Although we are in a budget crisis and that positions in higher education are being taken away from people of color/critical pin@y scholars and classes are being closed for students
we have a community that will help you get to where you need to be
in a classroom
transforming lives
society
disrupting the system
praxis


critical hope
critical love

inspiration

thank you,
for inspiring other Doctorate students
for inspiring students to achieve their dreams
for your service in the community while being in the academy

Dua

A year since my last post and I'm wondering why I'm not writing anything outside of academia.

A year later, I'm a different person

A year later, my anak is 2
A year later, i'm married to my heart for 3 years
A year later, i'm in my 2nd year of my doctorate program
A year later, i'm finding self with others
A year later, i love harder than before